my dear john letter to the unhealthiest love of my life

dear carbs,

look. we have had an amazing ride together. you are awesome to hang out with, you've always been there when i needed you, and let's face it - you taste really yummy. but it's just not working for me anymore. i need to break up. and no, it's not so i can go be with dairy. i never hide my affairs with dairy so i won't start now.

thank you for 33 great years but it's time for me to move on. i have high hopes for year number 34, and while it hurts me, i just don't think you are going to be a part of it.

love always,
me

2 + 2 + 2 = forever

long time, no post. why? let's just say there have been some major growing pains. and by growing i mean doubling - overnight. we have gone from 2 to four young ones and we are stumbling around transition land, trying to find our footing. most minutes are wonderful! some are completely overwhelming. but i wouldn't change one of them, not one of them, for anything in this world.

mommy - a word i longed to hear for so long. i know hear in four different voices all the time. and i love it.

Permanent

per·ma·nent   (pur-muh-nuhnt)

–adjective

1. existing perpetually; everlasting, esp. without significant change.
2. intended to exist or function for a long, indefinite period without regard to unforeseeable conditions: a permanent employee; the permanent headquarters of the United Nations.
3. long-lasting or nonfading: permanent pleating; permanent ink.**

today is the 14th anniversary of my sister's passing. 14 years ago i lost a piece of me. i became less of me in a way i will never be able to fix, cover up, or separate from. 14 years ago i lived through what would be one of the most significant days of my life. she did not. and everyday since i have a tried, desperately, to fill the permanent void left by her absence.

today i recognize the folks in my life who may or may not know exactly how much you helped shape who i am today. the moments i shared with you, before or after she left, have been the things that have given joy where it was lost, laughter when i couldn't hear it, and love when i needed it most. to you my friends, both new and old, family both by blood and by choice, i want to say thank you. thank you for sharing more of you when you knew there was less of me.

sometimes we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of our own lives, our own loss, our own joy, we can forget that in each moment we have a chance to affect the life of someone else. it's the simple things - like for me the quick hellos, phonecalls, letters, mixed tapes, late night hyperion runs and stops at denny's back then. now it's the quick emails, ecards, texts, funny faxes, and facebook comments that keep us connected. but these simple things can make a dark day a little more brighter for people in our lives. keep being that bright light for those in your life. let others be that light for you.


** **

just not good enough

vacation was awesome! it rocked all of our socks and was as the kids called it "the best vacation EVER". that part of august was awesome.

the part were i learned i wasn't good enough to be chosen to stay in my position sucked. the part where i learned i wasn't chosen for a scholarship sucked too.

now i feel like we are just waiting to hear we aren't good enough for her for the third and final strike out.

i am trying to remain positive. right now the only thing i am really positive about is how freaking hard it is to be positive!! and yes, i would like to have some cheese with my w"h"ine. pity party table for one, right this way......(humor, it's what gets me through...and alcohol. oh the voodoo juice, but that's for another post).

IMpatience

i can not wait for the day when i can show you what my life looks like. now i can only show snipets, little pieces that show no one under the age of 10. i do not have permission to show you their sweet faces as they are not truly mine. on paper that is. in hearts and homes they are, securely and steadfast.

i can not wait to know where this new employment journey will take me. i was not selected for one of the 5 variance slots alloted by VA medicaid to continue in my current position. i am now in limbo. i can go back for about 2 months, get the program started and then hand over the reins. i don't think my pride will allow me to do that though. in the meantime i wait to find out to see if they find out IF i am still qualified for anything.

i can not wait to find out if i am going back to school. and if not through this scholarship, then through some other means.

i can not wait to know if our family is growing. it felt so for sure. it doesn't feel that way now.

i can not wait for vacation. where i can hopefully stop thinking about the waiting. where instead i can just BE.
Happy Birthday Baby! & Happy 10th Anniversary too!

dear girlysmack...

post a blog. soon. damnit.

love ya!

daddy's girl

my dad has dementia. everyday we seem to lose another part of him. everyday he becomes more child like and less of the man i grew up with. everyday it gets harder. for him. for my mom. for us all.

my heartbreaks each time i see him and tell him the same thing over and over and over again.

i cry inside everytime i have to tell him my son's name. again.

i love my dad.

i miss my dad.

but i don't even know how to juggle...

i have so many balls in the air at this point i don't know how i could possibly catch them all without hurting myself, or someone else.

i just want to know. want SOMETHING final. finally.

waiting is such a hard thing.

ch ch ch changes.....

so much is a'foot in my life i don't even know where to start.

1) i have applied for a wondrous scholarship which would afford me the opportunity to go back to school and procure that ever elusive (at least to me) piece o' paper they call a degree. it's a scholarship specifically for foster parents who would use their degree to better their community. i think that fits me, don't you?

2) the work front is a-ok'ish and i am due back to my school on august 7. i have to apply for a variance to grandfatherd as a QMHP but i am feeling pretty dang gone good about my chances! go me!

3) the lies, attitude, and sneakiness has plateaued for now. peaceful, easy feelings abound in my house.

4) i have paint (still in cans) for several rooms in my house, some work has been done - got some more to go - and our GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL new bed has been delivered from Arhaus - if you haven't been, go! now ~ www.arhaus.com ~ i love them so!!!!

5) 5. i like that number. 5. it's a good one. 5, it's feels just right. yes, 5. of us. i hope.

the five things overwhelming me at the moment

1) septemeber can not come soon enough. i need to know yes or no what the future holds. we all do. i am thankful for every day. i just wish some days went faster.

2) there is another out there that needs us. i feel it in every fiber, bone, cell, and heartstring in my body. we just need one more room. just. like it's just that easy to add on and remodel a house. but that is just all that we need to make it happen. perhaps i need to start playing the lottery. or enlisting lots of friends to help. i think an "amish barnraising" type of a thing would work. any volunteers??

3) regualtions have changed in the state. i no longer qualify for my job unless i am one of five "grandfathered" in - 5 out of 116. i am desperate to know what my job will be come sept 6. i may or may not find out on july 29. prays desperately need and greatfully accepted.

4) the above three have me so stressed i can barely speak. at least speak kindly. especially to my better half. i hope she knows that it's the stress and not me; soon, soon things will calm. we hope.

5)i have been working around the clock with high/special needs kids since 6/4/2010 at 11:30 am. as in 24/7. I. NEED. A. BREAK.


after(THEBLOG)thought: found this on my friend's facebook and it spoke to me. loudly.
"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller (amen sister, amen)

walk a mile in my shoes

dear women at the cell phone store,

you have no idea what we go through a daily basis. you have no right to judge me. yes, i still make my son hold my hand in public sometimes. no, i'm not "keeping him like he is in jail" and no "he's not to old for that" like you so kindly commented out loud yesterday. and go ahead and "look at her, just look at her" next time you see me because i will probably be doing the same thing.

if you want to know the truth, he is in jail. autism keeps him locked away in a cell. keeping a line drawn thick between what you and me and society expects and calls "normal". i am his mother. when i hold his hand, despite his age, i am keeping him safe. yesterday i was stopping him from crawling on and licking the floor and licking your desperately needed iPhone accessories. so, ma'am, until you have lived a day in my life fuck you. and fuck your friend too. and next time keep your comments to youself.

love and light,
Me

learn from my mistake

a long pixie haircut can also be described as a "dorothy hamill" or in 2010 lingo a "justin bieber".

BABY! BABY! BABY! OH!!!!!!

forgetting to remember. unedited, flow of thought

end of march 2007. quick phone call to laurie to say hi and check in. quickly mention, again, becoming a respite/overnight care taker in our home for clients. her quick reply "been thinking about that. it would help me get ready, you know, to have kids. been thinking i am ready to try". that was it. i could no longer speak and ended the call with an "i love ya".

could not bring myself to metion it. could not stop thinking about it. for weeks.

end of april 2007. red lobster, table by the window. i had finally found my nerve. i began to talk but was interupted by a brochure. she's found a perfect little place in virginia beach to wisk us away to for a few nights. i say sure and she calls to book it. i wait. impatiently. when she's off the phone i take a breath and just say "so there's something i want to talk to you about" to which she replies "well it's taken you long enough. i can't believe how long you've waited". we both laughed. and then we talked, about starting a family. we decided adoption would be best for us and we'd start through foster care.

then we went on vacation. and talked about it non stop. and i dreamed of sharing moments like that with our children. i took pictures of everything and spoke of what i would tell them when i shared these photos with them - how in this one you had just said "but i won't share MY food", how i had just whispered "i love you. thank you." in your ear and that's why you are smiling like that. how you are so much braver than me and that shows in this picture.

june 2010. i got to share the sights and sounds and memories of that time with our family. there, on the beach. all four of us.

i rememered how at this point, we've come full circle. only a few steps left till it's forever. and i remembered a whole lot more.

i joked that since my dream of a perfect love came true, then my dream to be a counselor came true, and then my dream of children came true there's only one thing left for me to do. then i remembered i can do anything. we all can. let's see how far i take this next adventure!

today....

today is a new beginning. a fresh start to remove staleness that has set in. plans abound and i need energy/strength to get through.

i want to be PRESENT for every moment, not just here. i want to be here now, everytime.

i want to do more with less. i need to. i will focus. it will happen. and it will be wonderful.

5 Right Now's

1. my nose and body are reacting horribly to the pollen outside. i feel icky.

2. mr. gamecube is happily "babysitting" so i can veg out on the couch and feel bad about feeling bad.

3. the eclipse soundtrack makes me very happy.

4. i go back to work on monday with some of the GREATEST kids on the planet - can not wait.

5. the dino party was a HIT. number 10 down. many more to go, thankfully.

summer's here, finally!

and the irony of being up at 5:00 am on the first official day off from school isn't lost on me!

lot's of things going on here in our little neck of the world. most of them wonderful. with the transition from school to summer mr. autism always rears his little head. (yes, we named his autism. really just added mr. because when "he" is around "he" demands authority and respect!)most days, we can even forget that he lives with us. bumbleboy triumphs on as though he does not live with mr. autism, they typically can coexhist peacefully now. then a change occurs, a transition takes place - and wam, bam, thank you ma'am - MR. A appears and disrupts our world. but i am NOT complaining. in the world of autism we have it very easy. his progress far outweighs his delays at this point. he IS winning this battle. we are blessed by that.

summer brings weekly tae kwon do, summer soccer camp, me working 3 days a week, redecoration of ladybug's room, lots of work/upgrades being done to our home, two birthdays, and a family trip to florida. it's going to be a very busy blast!

best of all, well for the moment anyway:

i have a new favorite summer song. i listen to it often, very loudly. it makes me smile and think of her, of us. it's the best sum-up-of-us-song i've heard in a long time. i'm gonna sing it daily, like it's our new anthem.

If It's Love......by Train

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

[Chorus]
If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

[Chorus]

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
I'm in it for you

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
Then the rest is just whenever

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
That's enough for me

today

the handmade hanger on his door reads:

"in. be careful. dinos on the loose."

and that's just as it should be.

living, breathing, laughing, loving

things seem to be changing by the moment. this roller coaster has gotten taller and curvy with each new day. every moment of laughter has been a blessing. we're just holding on tight and waking up each new day hoping for the best while always fearing the worst.

love. love makes this all worth it. love is the only that could.

i'll admit it....

i love twilight.

a lot.

and in a probably borderline unhealthy way. but for the girl who grew up loving vampires and all (but the killing) that came along with them has finally found her vampire fairy tale with a happy ending in this series.

and i LOVE it!!

i was a bit late to the twilight wave but i am riding it high and can't wait till new moon comes out tomorrow. if i didn't have stupid bronchitis i would be putting on my twilight shirt, carrying my twilight purse, wearing my twilight jewelery & buttons, and carrying my twilight key chain to the borders midnight release tonight.

instead i will settle for VOD DVR'ing it at 5 am so i can wake up and watch it. and and i'll wait impatiently for my wonderful mother to forge for the dvd that comes with the best free stuff tomorrow AM so laurie can bring it home to me tomorrow night.

for now, ~vampire~ bliss.

the virtue i have lost...

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius. Comte de Buffon (1707 - 1788)

i hear god whispering to hold on....

With love and patience, nothing is impossible. Daisaku Ikeda

i find my hope and know IMpossible...

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. Unknown

mother nature has been my constant
reminder - everchanging...

There are times when God asks nothing of his children except silence, patience and tears. C. S. Robinson

for now, this is where i sit...

post in motion

contractual touch

wrapped in arms
of a security blanket
i can not hold
breath whispering
ill protect
a promise you can not keep
the heat of your words
on my neck
make my body ache
for more
than this
contract of friendship
written with invisible ink
the words show through
then disappear
leaving a trail of confusion
thick
with disillusion
and hope
that the one day
will be

morning after

remember this feeling, its still fresh
watching you sleep peacefully
in this bed we sometimes call ours
remember how it felt in the morning
after laying all night in your arms
the smell of love still lingering in the air
waking silently as not to disturb you
secretly longing for your sleepy eyes to open
watching your body rise with each intake of breath
holding you tight to feel the beating of your heart
as you wakes in my arms and wipe the dreams from your face
you kiss my forehead and says good morning with your smile
i know that we are blessed to share such moments

looking back to see ahead

i 've been doing a lot of time traveling lately. no, i'm not insane. just reminancing. perhaps it was the sudden urge to read the entire twilight series in the course of 3 weeks - brought back angsty feelings of being a teen/early 20 something, my love of all things goth, and my (not so secret) obsession with vampires. it also took me back to think of a person i thought i had long forgoten - she was fearless, standing up for what she believed, what she felt was right. she had a sense of style she felt secure in and didn't care what you thought about it. she loved deeply and freely. she was mystical and powerful. she was not scared to say who she was, how she was, or what she was. she was pretty freaking cool, maybe a bit high maitence, but cool.

she was me. and i would like to know where she has gone.

i've been replaying moments, relationships, conversations, reading old writings. trying to find some of those missing pieces of myself and reclaim them. it's not been easy when my mind has been so one-tracked lately. my constant state of prayer for my family has held me blind. but i've come to realize if i there is one gift i can give my children it should be me. the real me. the tattooed punk/gothy rockstar hippy political activist lover magickal ethical dreamy honest me. this is my will, so mote it be!

Herstory (1998)
so i shaved my head
not my legs
bought a pair of kakis
tucked in my shirt
do i stand before you a liberated woman
or a cookie cutter image of those who came before me
the fearless who fought my life before it began
am i honoring them
or abusing their precious power
taking in vain the beauty they fought so hard to hold
am i myself in the shell of lesbian chic
or a joke
with a punch line only the sisters of my herstory would understand
if i wear a skirt will their love fade
if the colour of my lips is applied by hand
will i be accepted
if my identity does not fit into a box do i press in my side and conform to what
is expected
accepted
except that i cant
i choose to shave my head and wear my tie with that cute new black skirt and put lipstick on my ass if thats what makes me happy
makes me
me
see my path has its first layer of gravel
laid years before my place at the table on earth was set
by those who fought with their lives
to assure that my world would be safer
that i could be
butch
femme
some-where-in-between
that i could be
me
and clothe this package of myself in a paper of any design I choose
and walk down these streets paved with herstory
paving them with pride

soul in peaces (for my sister)

how can words explain this?
i cant touch the part of me that misses you; i fear it will overtake me.
my memories are fading.
i barely remember your voice though you speak to me daily.
i barely remember the color of your eyes though i feel them watching me.
i barely remember the feel of your skin though i feel your spirit embracing me.
i wish you knew me.
not just the kid the existed before you left
but this adult that i have become.
i want to share my secrets with you,
and feel your trust.
i want my friends and lover to know you,
to feel your love.
i want to share my joys with you,
and hear your laughter.
i want to tell you my fears
and hear your reassurances again.
i want to cry because of the joy i feel from you,
not because you are no longer by my side.
i fear you never knew what you meant to me;
you were my center, my friend
my sister.
you are loved
but you are gone.
someplace without pain.
where you are forever beautiful
and i am left here amongst the ruins
to find shreds of joy wherever i can
with a torn soul that only time will mend.
and i wait for the planes in my sleep, where you join me.
where i can feel the peace of you.
and i feel sure, you know the me i never will
and i see again the you i will never forget.

danger will roberts, warning, danger...

dear self,

please remember to be very careful about what you wish for. you just might get it. and remember, it may not be in the way you thought it would be. and that, well, that might just suck.

also, you can't change the world, situations, or a person's perspective. the only one you can change is yourself. so for once, shut up and get over it. no matter the cost.

love,
me

reminder to self: breathe

it's amazing how 36 hours 3 minutes can change your entire world.

i have to keep reminding myself to breathe. i find my jaw clenched and lungs full often throughout the day.

this road is far rockier then i had ever imagined.

breathe.

i have come to realize that promises can be broken by others then the one who made them.

my patience and tolerance levels are growing very thin.

i can't believe that any sane person would sign up for this. so what does that say about us?

breathe.

i am struggling to find god in this. i can't imagine the greater plan would involve this much pain.

i have so many unanswered questions. and no one has been able yet to ask the right ones.

i can't imagine this can go on. please. make this stop.

breathe.

back in the *online* saddle again....

so my computer caught a very nasty virus. 12 days ago aka the night before the first (of three) snowstorms we had here in VA.

that. really. sucked.

but i am back up and running - on a very nice, new, shiny computer that i heart. a lot. i am trying not to blame my computer problems on my dear friend erin however mine did seem to start the day after hers died ;)

things have been crazy. due to the excessive amounts of snow/ice we lost power for a week. so me, laurie, the two kids, and seven dogs went to stay with my mom and dad. we are so blessed to have them. i will say we did extremely well considering the tight (and tidy which was very hard to keep that way with the ALL the extra grand*kids*&*dogs around) living quarters, my dad's dementia, my horrible mood swings and re bout of diverticulitis, and my kids "special" needs.

we are home now. warm, well lit, and back online.

next post will be about the uber roller coaster we are on kid-wise. i can't believe i am still breathing. that which does not kill us can only make us stronger!?

looking on the brightside...

we are about to be snowed in. again. and by snowed in i mean 2 feet of snow on our doorstep. which VA just doesn't know quite how to handle. i am hoping to be able to leave the house again by tuesday! until then there will be lots of hot chocolate, family games, movies, and snacks in our future. did i mention they get to be snowed in here with us instead of taking their usual weekend trip? that makes it all bearable!!!

what becomes of the broken hearted?

i am feeling really nervous. perhaps it's the snow. probably it's the two and half days of not hearing their voices or knowing what's going on. i can honestly say i don't know how we do this. i don't how we can ever do this again. it's so frustrating loving someone unconditionally under such horribly conditional circumstances. i am living in a constant state of heartbreak for which the only remedy is their laughter. i wonder, how does one go from mom to not?

s'NO'w

snow
snow
go away
come back another day.

please no snow. please no snow. please please please no snow!

thank you!

from the mouth of a butterfly

today was we celebrated their sibling's 6th birthday. it was a fun day of gymnastics and ice cream. while eating butterfly -that's what i call their newly six year old little sister - looks at me and says "did you adopt (ladybug) and (bumblebee)?" i looked and her and said "no" then promptly kicked her foster mom under the table and we exchange the appropriate "oh crap" looks. ladybug then says "well has she adopted you yet?" to which butterfly says "no". and then we simply moved on.

just the fact that the newly-six-year-old can verbalize that question speaks volumes about what her heart wants. i have volumes of documents to support what the right decision should be. i hope the volume is turned up on truth tomorrow so that it can be heard by all.

the truth will prevail......because it just has too!

my year of growth through change

i have decided to try and focus on the silver lining that must be following this storm cloud. i will trust that it will come, as they always do, in a time and space that is least expected.

i have decided that god has dreamt a bigger dream for all of us then i could ever imagine (thanks Oprah) and that i must trust that god knows what he is doing and all will be well.

i have decided that the serenity prayer must be my new mantra. that i must accept that which i can not change, change what i can and pray, pray, pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

i have decided to not lie to them. to be as honest as possible and not sugar coat, gloss over, or pretend about one damn thing. though it might kill me to not be able to say to them ever again that you will always be safe, feed, and sheltered i just can't say things like that in truth any longer. i do not know that it is true.

i have decided that we will all grow, some way, some how through all this change and transition. i pray that it will make us all stronger.

i have decided to create a to-do list, or a to-distract list, to keep myself busy through this time.

1) finish my foster parent classes and sign-up for more
2) FINISH my bachelors/masters combined program
3) use above degree to help others learn to heal themselves
4) listen to my body and give her what she needs to stay strong
5) stop listening to my cravings/soul soothings to help me keep up with #4
6) think before i spend money and try to spend wisely
7) be mindfully grateful by actually completing the journal i bought for this year (instead of ignoring it just like all the journals i bought each year before)
8) keep in touch. with friends. with family. keep connected to those who connect me to love and light.
9) finally get started on the remodeling/fixing up'ing of this house
10) move more. do more. be more.

i have decided that my list may seem big, lofty, dreamy but it's mine and only i can reach/ignore my potential. i can potentially do all that is on my list - almost all of them daily. i hope #8 will help keep me in check. feel free to ask about my progress, i can always use the support.

i have decided that this year of growth through change may be the hardest year i ever live. we ever live. but each day gives us the opportunity to find our truth, to love, to be loved. i just hope that's enough to see us through.

home

where? they are going "home".

when? soon, possibly before school lets out for the summer.

why? because apparently you don't need a job and welfare is sufficient for income.

how? because, "love" is enough. food, clothes, shelter, structure, schooling, reached potential are just luxuries.

now? we wait. we break. we weep. we hide the pain from them. we transition. we move on.

or at least we try.

and four will probably become two

my heart is broken and world weary and unsure how to go on.

my mind says f*** it all and is quickly trying to compartmentalize this situation.

my soul says find sperm quickly, create life, and move on.

when the three align, i think that's just what we will do.