Monday, August 30, 2010

just not good enough

vacation was awesome! it rocked all of our socks and was as the kids called it "the best vacation EVER". that part of august was awesome.

the part were i learned i wasn't good enough to be chosen to stay in my position sucked. the part where i learned i wasn't chosen for a scholarship sucked too.

now i feel like we are just waiting to hear we aren't good enough for her for the third and final strike out.

i am trying to remain positive. right now the only thing i am really positive about is how freaking hard it is to be positive!! and yes, i would like to have some cheese with my w"h"ine. pity party table for one, right this way......(humor, it's what gets me through...and alcohol. oh the voodoo juice, but that's for another post).

Monday, August 16, 2010

IMpatience

i can not wait for the day when i can show you what my life looks like. now i can only show snipets, little pieces that show no one under the age of 10. i do not have permission to show you their sweet faces as they are not truly mine. on paper that is. in hearts and homes they are, securely and steadfast.

i can not wait to know where this new employment journey will take me. i was not selected for one of the 5 variance slots alloted by VA medicaid to continue in my current position. i am now in limbo. i can go back for about 2 months, get the program started and then hand over the reins. i don't think my pride will allow me to do that though. in the meantime i wait to find out to see if they find out IF i am still qualified for anything.

i can not wait to find out if i am going back to school. and if not through this scholarship, then through some other means.

i can not wait to know if our family is growing. it felt so for sure. it doesn't feel that way now.

i can not wait for vacation. where i can hopefully stop thinking about the waiting. where instead i can just BE.
Happy Birthday Baby! & Happy 10th Anniversary too!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

dear girlysmack...

post a blog. soon. damnit.

love ya!

Friday, August 6, 2010

daddy's girl

my dad has dementia. everyday we seem to lose another part of him. everyday he becomes more child like and less of the man i grew up with. everyday it gets harder. for him. for my mom. for us all.

my heartbreaks each time i see him and tell him the same thing over and over and over again.

i cry inside everytime i have to tell him my son's name. again.

i love my dad.

i miss my dad.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

but i don't even know how to juggle...

i have so many balls in the air at this point i don't know how i could possibly catch them all without hurting myself, or someone else.

i just want to know. want SOMETHING final. finally.

waiting is such a hard thing.