less of me

back to the living.....

2011-10-04T09:32:00.004-04:00

so i have decided to return to school. i am both nervous and excited. and i am extremely worried about my writing skills. not so much for a blog, facebook post, or all the other techno ways we now communicate - i am however worried that these things have had a very negative impact on the way i communicate in written form. it used to be my strongest form of communication. the need to write more and to write better has brought me back here. it's nice to think people may read this but for now i will be posting for me. lot's of things have happened since my last post:

my dad passed away five days after my mom

i have legally adopted all 3 of my beautiful children

we are a (mostly) happy family of 5 learning to navigate this world with 2 moms and 2 differnt skin tones. it is not as easy as it should be

my mother-in-law finally accepts me

i started homeschooling my son

more medical diagnosis' for the children have been given

and somehow we also found time for 2 vacations

it's been one hell of a year, i have been wrting the whole time. soon they will be presented nicely in a neat-blog-package, maybe even with a bow.

hope this year has had more ups than downs for you.

today...

2011-04-16T21:36:00.002-04:00

was my mother's last day. my whole world has changed. i have lost my best friend. i did not know the human heart could break so much, but beat on.

my dear john letter to the unhealthiest love of my life

2010-12-22T20:38:00.004-05:00

dear carbs,

look. we have had an amazing ride together. you are awesome to hang out with, you've always been there when i needed you, and let's face it - you taste really yummy. but it's just not working for me anymore. i need to break up. and no, it's not so i can go be with dairy. i never hide my affairs with dairy so i won't start now.

thank you for 33 great years but it's time for me to move on. i have high hopes for year number 34, and while it hurts me, i just don't think you are going to be a part of it.

love always,
me

2 + 2 + 2 = forever

2010-11-12T10:55:00.003-05:00

long time, no post. why? let's just say there have been some major growing pains. and by growing i mean doubling - overnight. we have gone from 2 to four young ones and we are stumbling around transition land, trying to find our footing. most minutes are wonderful! some are completely overwhelming. but i wouldn't change one of them, not one of them, for anything in this world.

mommy - a word i longed to hear for so long. i know hear in four different voices all the time. and i love it.

Permanent

2010-09-12T12:11:00.014-04:00

per·ma·nent (pur-muh-nuhnt)

–adjective

1. existing perpetually; everlasting, esp. without significant change.
2. intended to exist or function for a long, indefinite period without regard to unforeseeable conditions: a permanent employee; the permanent headquarters of the United Nations.
3. long-lasting or nonfading: permanent pleating; permanent ink.**

today is the 14th anniversary of my sister's passing. 14 years ago i lost a piece of me. i became less of me in a way i will never be able to fix, cover up, or separate from. 14 years ago i lived through what would be one of the most significant days of my life. she did not. and everyday since i have a tried, desperately, to fill the permanent void left by her absence.

today i recognize the folks in my life who may or may not know exactly how much you helped shape who i am today. the moments i shared with you, before or after she left, have been the things that have given joy where it was lost, laughter when i couldn't hear it, and love when i needed it most. to you my friends, both new and old, family both by blood and by choice, i want to say thank you. thank you for sharing more of you when you knew there was less of me.

sometimes we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of our own lives, our own loss, our own joy, we can forget that in each moment we have a chance to affect the life of someone else. it's the simple things - like for me the quick hellos, phonecalls, letters, mixed tapes, late night hyperion runs and stops at denny's back then. now it's the quick emails, ecards, texts, funny faxes, and facebook comments that keep us connected. but these simple things can make a dark day a little more brighter for people in our lives. keep being that bright light for those in your life. let others be that light for you.

** **

just not good enough

2010-08-30T08:55:00.004-04:00

vacation was awesome! it rocked all of our socks and was as the kids called it "the best vacation EVER". that part of august was awesome.

the part were i learned i wasn't good enough to be chosen to stay in my position sucked. the part where i learned i wasn't chosen for a scholarship sucked too.

now i feel like we are just waiting to hear we aren't good enough for her for the third and final strike out.

i am trying to remain positive. right now the only thing i am really positive about is how freaking hard it is to be positive!! and yes, i would like to have some cheese with my w"h"ine. pity party table for one, right this way......(humor, it's what gets me through...and alcohol. oh the voodoo juice, but that's for another post).

IMpatience

2010-08-16T09:49:00.004-04:00

i can not wait for the day when i can show you what my life looks like. now i can only show snipets, little pieces that show no one under the age of 10. i do not have permission to show you their sweet faces as they are not truly mine. on paper that is. in hearts and homes they are, securely and steadfast.

i can not wait to know where this new employment journey will take me. i was not selected for one of the 5 variance slots alloted by VA medicaid to continue in my current position. i am now in limbo. i can go back for about 2 months, get the program started and then hand over the reins. i don't think my pride will allow me to do that though. in the meantime i wait to find out to see if they find out IF i am still qualified for anything.

i can not wait to find out if i am going back to school. and if not through this scholarship, then through some other means.

i can not wait to know if our family is growing. it felt so for sure. it doesn't feel that way now.

i can not wait for vacation. where i can hopefully stop thinking about the waiting. where instead i can just BE.
Happy Birthday Baby! & Happy 10th Anniversary too!

dear girlysmack...

2010-08-10T19:13:00.001-04:00

post a blog. soon. damnit.

love ya!

daddy's girl

2010-08-06T21:32:00.002-04:00

my dad has dementia. everyday we seem to lose another part of him. everyday he becomes more child like and less of the man i grew up with. everyday it gets harder. for him. for my mom. for us all.

my heartbreaks each time i see him and tell him the same thing over and over and over again.

i cry inside everytime i have to tell him my son's name. again.

i love my dad.

i miss my dad.

but i don't even know how to juggle...

2010-08-03T07:12:00.002-04:00

i have so many balls in the air at this point i don't know how i could possibly catch them all without hurting myself, or someone else.

i just want to know. want SOMETHING final. finally.

waiting is such a hard thing.

ch ch ch changes.....

2010-07-24T19:16:00.003-04:00

so much is a'foot in my life i don't even know where to start.

1) i have applied for a wondrous scholarship which would afford me the opportunity to go back to school and procure that ever elusive (at least to me) piece o' paper they call a degree. it's a scholarship specifically for foster parents who would use their degree to better their community. i think that fits me, don't you?

2) the work front is a-ok'ish and i am due back to my school on august 7. i have to apply for a variance to grandfatherd as a QMHP but i am feeling pretty dang gone good about my chances! go me!

3) the lies, attitude, and sneakiness has plateaued for now. peaceful, easy feelings abound in my house.

4) i have paint (still in cans) for several rooms in my house, some work has been done - got some more to go - and our GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL new bed has been delivered from Arhaus - if you haven't been, go! now ~ www.arhaus.com ~ i love them so!!!!

5) 5. i like that number. 5. it's a good one. 5, it's feels just right. yes, 5. of us. i hope.

the five things overwhelming me at the moment

2010-07-19T16:13:00.003-04:00

1) septemeber can not come soon enough. i need to know yes or no what the future holds. we all do. i am thankful for every day. i just wish some days went faster.

2) there is another out there that needs us. i feel it in every fiber, bone, cell, and heartstring in my body. we just need one more room. just. like it's just that easy to add on and remodel a house. but that is just all that we need to make it happen. perhaps i need to start playing the lottery. or enlisting lots of friends to help. i think an "amish barnraising" type of a thing would work. any volunteers??

3) regualtions have changed in the state. i no longer qualify for my job unless i am one of five "grandfathered" in - 5 out of 116. i am desperate to know what my job will be come sept 6. i may or may not find out on july 29. prays desperately need and greatfully accepted.

4) the above three have me so stressed i can barely speak. at least speak kindly. especially to my better half. i hope she knows that it's the stress and not me; soon, soon things will calm. we hope.

5)i have been working around the clock with high/special needs kids since 6/4/2010 at 11:30 am. as in 24/7. I. NEED. A. BREAK.

after(THEBLOG)thought: found this on my friend's facebook and it spoke to me. loudly.
"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller (amen sister, amen)

walk a mile in my shoes

2010-07-18T12:25:00.003-04:00

dear women at the cell phone store,

you have no idea what we go through a daily basis. you have no right to judge me. yes, i still make my son hold my hand in public sometimes. no, i'm not "keeping him like he is in jail" and no "he's not to old for that" like you so kindly commented out loud yesterday. and go ahead and "look at her, just look at her" next time you see me because i will probably be doing the same thing.

if you want to know the truth, he is in jail. autism keeps him locked away in a cell. keeping a line drawn thick between what you and me and society expects and calls "normal". i am his mother. when i hold his hand, despite his age, i am keeping him safe. yesterday i was stopping him from crawling on and licking the floor and licking your desperately needed iPhone accessories. so, ma'am, until you have lived a day in my life fuck you. and fuck your friend too. and next time keep your comments to youself.

love and light,
Me

learn from my mistake

2010-07-17T10:33:00.002-04:00

a long pixie haircut can also be described as a "dorothy hamill" or in 2010 lingo a "justin bieber".

BABY! BABY! BABY! OH!!!!!!

forgetting to remember. unedited, flow of thought

2010-07-05T12:53:00.004-04:00

end of march 2007. quick phone call to laurie to say hi and check in. quickly mention, again, becoming a respite/overnight care taker in our home for clients. her quick reply "been thinking about that. it would help me get ready, you know, to have kids. been thinking i am ready to try". that was it. i could no longer speak and ended the call with an "i love ya".

could not bring myself to metion it. could not stop thinking about it. for weeks.

end of april 2007. red lobster, table by the window. i had finally found my nerve. i began to talk but was interupted by a brochure. she's found a perfect little place in virginia beach to wisk us away to for a few nights. i say sure and she calls to book it. i wait. impatiently. when she's off the phone i take a breath and just say "so there's something i want to talk to you about" to which she replies "well it's taken you long enough. i can't believe how long you've waited". we both laughed. and then we talked, about starting a family. we decided adoption would be best for us and we'd start through foster care.

then we went on vacation. and talked about it non stop. and i dreamed of sharing moments like that with our children. i took pictures of everything and spoke of what i would tell them when i shared these photos with them - how in this one you had just said "but i won't share MY food", how i had just whispered "i love you. thank you." in your ear and that's why you are smiling like that. how you are so much braver than me and that shows in this picture.

june 2010. i got to share the sights and sounds and memories of that time with our family. there, on the beach. all four of us.

i rememered how at this point, we've come full circle. only a few steps left till it's forever. and i remembered a whole lot more.

i joked that since my dream of a perfect love came true, then my dream to be a counselor came true, and then my dream of children came true there's only one thing left for me to do. then i remembered i can do anything. we all can. let's see how far i take this next adventure!

today....

2010-06-21T08:49:00.003-04:00

today is a new beginning. a fresh start to remove staleness that has set in. plans abound and i need energy/strength to get through.

i want to be PRESENT for every moment, not just here. i want to be here now, everytime.

i want to do more with less. i need to. i will focus. it will happen. and it will be wonderful.

5 Right Now's

2010-06-12T14:10:00.002-04:00

1. my nose and body are reacting horribly to the pollen outside. i feel icky.

2. mr. gamecube is happily "babysitting" so i can veg out on the couch and feel bad about feeling bad.

3. the eclipse soundtrack makes me very happy.

4. i go back to work on monday with some of the GREATEST kids on the planet - can not wait.

5. the dino party was a HIT. number 10 down. many more to go, thankfully.

summer's here, finally!

2010-06-07T05:39:00.003-04:00

and the irony of being up at 5:00 am on the first official day off from school isn't lost on me!

lot's of things going on here in our little neck of the world. most of them wonderful. with the transition from school to summer mr. autism always rears his little head. (yes, we named his autism. really just added mr. because when "he" is around "he" demands authority and respect!)most days, we can even forget that he lives with us. bumbleboy triumphs on as though he does not live with mr. autism, they typically can coexhist peacefully now. then a change occurs, a transition takes place - and wam, bam, thank you ma'am - MR. A appears and disrupts our world. but i am NOT complaining. in the world of autism we have it very easy. his progress far outweighs his delays at this point. he IS winning this battle. we are blessed by that.

summer brings weekly tae kwon do, summer soccer camp, me working 3 days a week, redecoration of ladybug's room, lots of work/upgrades being done to our home, two birthdays, and a family trip to florida. it's going to be a very busy blast!

best of all, well for the moment anyway:

i have a new favorite summer song. i listen to it often, very loudly. it makes me smile and think of her, of us. it's the best sum-up-of-us-song i've heard in a long time. i'm gonna sing it daily, like it's our new anthem.

If It's Love......by Train

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

[Chorus]
If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

[Chorus]

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
I'm in it for you

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
Then the rest is just whenever

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
That's enough for me

today

2010-05-16T12:30:00.002-04:00

the handmade hanger on his door reads:

"in. be careful. dinos on the loose."

and that's just as it should be.

living, breathing, laughing, loving

2010-04-01T21:59:00.002-04:00

things seem to be changing by the moment. this roller coaster has gotten taller and curvy with each new day. every moment of laughter has been a blessing. we're just holding on tight and waking up each new day hoping for the best while always fearing the worst.

love. love makes this all worth it. love is the only that could.

i'll admit it....

2010-03-19T20:14:00.003-04:00

i love twilight.

a lot.

and in a probably borderline unhealthy way. but for the girl who grew up loving vampires and all (but the killing) that came along with them has finally found her vampire fairy tale with a happy ending in this series.

and i LOVE it!!

i was a bit late to the twilight wave but i am riding it high and can't wait till new moon comes out tomorrow. if i didn't have stupid bronchitis i would be putting on my twilight shirt, carrying my twilight purse, wearing my twilight jewelery & buttons, and carrying my twilight key chain to the borders midnight release tonight.

instead i will settle for VOD DVR'ing it at 5 am so i can wake up and watch it. and and i'll wait impatiently for my wonderful mother to forge for the dvd that comes with the best free stuff tomorrow AM so laurie can bring it home to me tomorrow night.

for now, ~vampire~ bliss.

the virtue i have lost...

2010-03-11T20:03:00.003-05:00

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius. Comte de Buffon (1707 - 1788)

i hear god whispering to hold on....

With love and patience, nothing is impossible. Daisaku Ikeda

i find my hope and know IMpossible...

Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence. Unknown

mother nature has been my constant
reminder - everchanging...

There are times when God asks nothing of his children except silence, patience and tears. C. S. Robinson

for now, this is where i sit...

post in motion

2010-03-05T07:08:00.002-05:00

contractual touch

wrapped in arms
of a security blanket
i can not hold
breath whispering
ill protect
a promise you can not keep
the heat of your words
on my neck
make my body ache
for more
than this
contract of friendship
written with invisible ink
the words show through
then disappear
leaving a trail of confusion
thick
with disillusion
and hope
that the one day
will be

morning after

remember this feeling, its still fresh
watching you sleep peacefully
in this bed we sometimes call ours
remember how it felt in the morning
after laying all night in your arms
the smell of love still lingering in the air
waking silently as not to disturb you
secretly longing for your sleepy eyes to open
watching your body rise with each intake of breath
holding you tight to feel the beating of your heart
as you wakes in my arms and wipe the dreams from your face
you kiss my forehead and says good morning with your smile
i know that we are blessed to share such moments

looking back to see ahead

2010-03-03T06:13:00.002-05:00

i 've been doing a lot of time traveling lately. no, i'm not insane. just reminancing. perhaps it was the sudden urge to read the entire twilight series in the course of 3 weeks - brought back angsty feelings of being a teen/early 20 something, my love of all things goth, and my (not so secret) obsession with vampires. it also took me back to think of a person i thought i had long forgoten - she was fearless, standing up for what she believed, what she felt was right. she had a sense of style she felt secure in and didn't care what you thought about it. she loved deeply and freely. she was mystical and powerful. she was not scared to say who she was, how she was, or what she was. she was pretty freaking cool, maybe a bit high maitence, but cool.

she was me. and i would like to know where she has gone.

i've been replaying moments, relationships, conversations, reading old writings. trying to find some of those missing pieces of myself and reclaim them. it's not been easy when my mind has been so one-tracked lately. my constant state of prayer for my family has held me blind. but i've come to realize if i there is one gift i can give my children it should be me. the real me. the tattooed punk/gothy rockstar hippy political activist lover magickal ethical dreamy honest me. this is my will, so mote it be!

Herstory (1998)
so i shaved my head
not my legs
bought a pair of kakis
tucked in my shirt
do i stand before you a liberated woman
or a cookie cutter image of those who came before me
the fearless who fought my life before it began
am i honoring them
or abusing their precious power
taking in vain the beauty they fought so hard to hold
am i myself in the shell of lesbian chic
or a joke
with a punch line only the sisters of my herstory would understand
if i wear a skirt will their love fade
if the colour of my lips is applied by hand
will i be accepted
if my identity does not fit into a box do i press in my side and conform to what
is expected
accepted
except that i cant
i choose to shave my head and wear my tie with that cute new black skirt and put lipstick on my ass if thats what makes me happy
makes me
me
see my path has its first layer of gravel
laid years before my place at the table on earth was set
by those who fought with their lives
to assure that my world would be safer
that i could be
butch
femme
some-where-in-between
that i could be
me
and clothe this package of myself in a paper of any design I choose
and walk down these streets paved with herstory
paving them with pride

soul in peaces (for my sister)

2010-03-02T20:43:00.001-05:00

how can words explain this?
i cant touch the part of me that misses you; i fear it will overtake me.
my memories are fading.
i barely remember your voice though you speak to me daily.
i barely remember the color of your eyes though i feel them watching me.
i barely remember the feel of your skin though i feel your spirit embracing me.
i wish you knew me.
not just the kid the existed before you left
but this adult that i have become.
i want to share my secrets with you,
and feel your trust.
i want my friends and lover to know you,
to feel your love.
i want to share my joys with you,
and hear your laughter.
i want to tell you my fears
and hear your reassurances again.
i want to cry because of the joy i feel from you,
not because you are no longer by my side.
i fear you never knew what you meant to me;
you were my center, my friend
my sister.
you are loved
but you are gone.
someplace without pain.
where you are forever beautiful
and i am left here amongst the ruins
to find shreds of joy wherever i can
with a torn soul that only time will mend.
and i wait for the planes in my sleep, where you join me.
where i can feel the peace of you.
and i feel sure, you know the me i never will
and i see again the you i will never forget.

danger will roberts, warning, danger...

2010-02-22T18:47:00.002-05:00

dear self,

please remember to be very careful about what you wish for. you just might get it. and remember, it may not be in the way you thought it would be. and that, well, that might just suck.

also, you can't change the world, situations, or a person's perspective. the only one you can change is yourself. so for once, shut up and get over it. no matter the cost.

love,
me

reminder to self: breathe

2010-02-22T06:42:00.003-05:00

it's amazing how ~~36 hours~~ 3 minutes can change your entire world.

i have to keep reminding myself to breathe. i find my jaw clenched and lungs full often throughout the day.

this road is far rockier then i had ever imagined.

breathe.

i have come to realize that promises can be broken by others then the one who made them.

my patience and tolerance levels are growing very thin.

i can't believe that any sane person would sign up for this. so what does that say about us?

breathe.

i am struggling to find god in this. i can't imagine the greater plan would involve this much pain.

i have so many unanswered questions. and no one has been able yet to ask the right ones.

i can't imagine this can go on. please. make this stop.

breathe.

back in the online saddle again....

2010-02-16T14:00:00.004-05:00

so my computer caught a very nasty virus. 12 days ago aka the night before the first (of three) snowstorms we had here in VA.

that. really. sucked.

but i am back up and running - on a very nice, new, shiny computer that i heart. a lot. i am trying not to blame my computer problems on my dear friend erin however mine did seem to start the day after hers died ;)

things have been crazy. due to the excessive amounts of snow/ice we lost power for a week. so me, laurie, the two kids, and seven dogs went to stay with my mom and dad. we are so blessed to have them. i will say we did extremely well considering the tight (and tidy which was very hard to keep that way with the ALL the extra grand*kids*&*dogs around) living quarters, my dad's dementia, my horrible mood swings and re bout of diverticulitis, and my kids "special" needs.

we are home now. warm, well lit, and back online.

next post will be about the uber roller coaster we are on kid-wise. i can't believe i am still breathing. that which does not kill us can only make us stronger!?

looking on the brightside...

2010-02-05T09:27:00.003-05:00

we are about to be snowed in. again. and by snowed in i mean 2 feet of snow on our doorstep. which VA just doesn't know quite how to handle. i am hoping to be able to leave the house again by tuesday! until then there will be lots of hot chocolate, family games, movies, and snacks in our future. did i mention they get to be snowed in here with us instead of taking their usual weekend trip? that makes it all bearable!!!

what becomes of the broken hearted?

2010-01-31T10:13:00.008-05:00

i am feeling really nervous. perhaps it's the snow. probably it's the two and half days of not hearing their voices or knowing what's going on. i can honestly say i don't know how we do this. i don't how we can ever do this again. it's so frustrating loving someone unconditionally under such horribly conditional circumstances. i am living in a constant state of heartbreak for which the only remedy is their laughter. i wonder, how does one go from mom to not?

s'NO'w

2010-01-28T20:26:00.001-05:00

snow
snow
go away
come back another day.

please no snow. please no snow. please please please no snow!

thank you!

from the mouth of a butterfly

2010-01-24T19:59:00.003-05:00

today was we celebrated their sibling's 6th birthday. it was a fun day of gymnastics and ice cream. while eating butterfly -that's what i call their newly six year old little sister - looks at me and says "did you adopt (ladybug) and (bumblebee)?" i looked and her and said "no" then promptly kicked her foster mom under the table and we exchange the appropriate "oh crap" looks. ladybug then says "well has she adopted you yet?" to which butterfly says "no". and then we simply moved on.

just the fact that the newly-six-year-old can verbalize that question speaks volumes about what her heart wants. i have volumes of documents to support what the right decision should be. i hope the volume is turned up on truth tomorrow so that it can be heard by all.

the truth will prevail......because it just has too!

my year of growth through change

2010-01-18T14:01:00.003-05:00

i have decided to try and focus on the silver lining that must be following this storm cloud. i will trust that it will come, as they always do, in a time and space that is least expected.

i have decided that god has dreamt a bigger dream for all of us then i could ever imagine (thanks Oprah) and that i must trust that god knows what he is doing and all will be well.

i have decided that the serenity prayer must be my new mantra. that i must accept that which i can not change, change what i can and pray, pray, pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

i have decided to not lie to them. to be as honest as possible and not sugar coat, gloss over, or pretend about one damn thing. though it might kill me to not be able to say to them ever again that you will always be safe, feed, and sheltered i just can't say things like that in truth any longer. i do not know that it is true.

i have decided that we will all grow, some way, some how through all this change and transition. i pray that it will make us all stronger.

i have decided to create a to-do list, or a to-distract list, to keep myself busy through this time.

1) finish my foster parent classes and sign-up for more
2) FINISH my bachelors/masters combined program
3) use above degree to help others learn to heal themselves
4) listen to my body and give her what she needs to stay strong
5) stop listening to my cravings/soul soothings to help me keep up with #4
6) think before i spend money and try to spend wisely
7) be mindfully grateful by actually completing the journal i bought for this year (instead of ignoring it just like all the journals i bought each year before)
8) keep in touch. with friends. with family. keep connected to those who connect me to love and light.
9) finally get started on the remodeling/fixing up'ing of this house
10) move more. do more. be more.

i have decided that my list may seem big, lofty, dreamy but it's mine and only i can reach/ignore my potential. i can potentially do all that is on my list - almost all of them daily. i hope #8 will help keep me in check. feel free to ask about my progress, i can always use the support.

i have decided that this year of growth through change may be the hardest year i ever live. we ever live. but each day gives us the opportunity to find our truth, to love, to be loved. i just hope that's enough to see us through.

home

2010-01-13T20:15:00.004-05:00

where? they are going "home".

when? soon, possibly before school lets out for the summer.

why? because apparently you don't need a job and welfare is sufficient for income.

how? because, "love" is enough. food, clothes, shelter, structure, schooling, reached potential are just luxuries.

now? we wait. we break. we weep. we hide the pain from them. we transition. we move on.

or at least we try.

and four will probably become two

2010-01-09T10:40:00.003-05:00

my heart is broken and world weary and unsure how to go on.

my mind says f*** it all and is quickly trying to compartmentalize this situation.

my soul says find sperm quickly, create life, and move on.

when the three align, i think that's just what we will do.

2010 starts with the 6 of us

2009-12-31T21:11:00.002-05:00

their siblings are staying the night tonight.

they will begin the new year with us.

i hope it's a sign of the good things to come.

tonight is also a full moon, the second one of this month aka "a blue moon".

it's gotta be a double good sign, right?!

my new baby

2009-12-29T18:33:00.005-05:00

yes. i called a car "my baby". 'cause i love her. a lot.

i will never get stuck in my house due to snow again!

it may not be the greenest thing i have ever done but this was DEFINITELY the car we needed. seats seven (fingers crossed will need that many).

i have not loved a vehicle like this since i had my honda element. perhaps i'll keep this one longer than 18 months!

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

2009-12-20T13:58:00.005-05:00

it's been a while since i've been able to write about what's been happening in our lives lately. partly because i don't have a lot of time, mostly because it's been a lot of heartache and searching for silver linings.

this wondrous white stuff we received this weekend has afforded me some time to get some thoughts out of my head and into writing - i'll be posting them soon.

in the meantime, here are some pics of our winter wonderland!

thanksgrieving

2009-11-26T09:16:00.006-05:00

today i am finding much gratefullness within myself. for my family, my friends, my home, my job, having food, being able to afford to give the children a nice christmas. there are so many things to be grateful for.

and yet i am almost paralized with grief. i can't seem to get past missing her this year. i can't seem to stop being angry with god for taking her too soon. i can't help but cry. a lot.

but i am grateful that my grief has yet to be caught by my little ones. that they just know mommy is thankful for them today. they don't know that for many years thanksgiving was our christmas #1. we'd decorate the house for the holidays, tree and all. then we'd stuff our selves silly today and tomorrow we'd have christmas. and she'd be there. and it would all be for them.

i am grateful for all the memories i have from those days. she always made things so special. just by being present. today, i am grateful to be present in the life of my children, my beloved, my parents. and i am thankfilled with my memories.

merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again. until that day i will be present for you my sister, my soul, my angel, my friend.

still here somewhere

2009-10-19T21:16:00.003-04:00

long time, no blog. school started and things have been crazy busy over the last two months. there are so many things that have happened - some good, some not so good. but we are plugging along, making the most out of it all. hopefully i will get more then 3 minutes to myself sometime soon and will start to share the details.

losing jasmine was one of the saddest moments of the past few months. she was a good doggie!

Jasmine April 1993 - September 5, 2009

the highlight of our summer vacation.....

2009-08-16T20:38:00.003-04:00

we swam with the rays......sting rays......at the aquarium....with lots of people watching...

IT WAS AMAZING!

they were so soft and graceful.

and really good kissers ;-)

i hadn't seen my love light up her face with her beautiful smile like that in a long time!

preparing to snorkle. what dorks!

but it sure was worth it!!!!!!!!

numbers

2009-08-06T09:43:00.003-04:00

2 - the # of days till we leave for the beach

11 - the # of days laurie and i will be off work

8 - the # of days we will be at the beach

13 - the # of days till school starts

1 - the # of times the children will have returned to the same school as last year - only with us

429 - the # of days the children have been in our home

42 - the # of hours the children have seen their mom over the last year

13 - the # of psychological disorders the children have been diagnosed with

11 - the # of days till we find out the judge's plan

infinite - the # of prayers needed ensuring the children are placed in the safest, stablest place

today i am grateful because.......

2009-07-31T22:34:00.005-04:00

1) i didn't actually lose my car key in walmart like i thought. it just fell into one of our shopping bags as i took my keys out of my bag while we walked to the car- of course we didn't realize it until AFTER we searched the store for a single missing key for 30 minutes. none the less it was a miracle!

2) i got to watch my two gorgeous children graduate from (their third!!!) summmer camp this afternoon. they were so proud not only of themselves, but to have someone there watching them with pride.

3) our trip to the beach is getting closer and closer. and we can not wait.

4) we have a home full of love, laughter, food, support, wisdom, learning, and puppy-love.

5) i re-realized today that to get (and keep) the positive energy flowing more freely, i must focus on the positive things in my life. stop dwelling aka worrying about the negatives.

6) august 20th marks my 9th anniversary with my wonderful soul mate. the yin to my yang. the light to my dark. the stabilty to my dreamer's mind. the one who completes me and makes me want to be a better me.

i am so blessed.

what saturday brings....

2009-07-29T20:51:00.000-04:00

a visit.

in her new apartment.

to be continued......

2009-07-26T12:47:00.001-04:00

court has been potsponed. and so has the official reunification of the sibling unit. i feel like all we do is wait. patience is a virtue, right?

fingers, toes, arms, and legs all crossed

2009-07-20T19:28:00.003-04:00

in 7 days we will find out where the next fork in our path will take us.

on one side of the fork: it brings us closer to two sets of bunkbeds, 1 carseat, 2 booster seats, clothes in size 3t, 5, 8, and 12. lots of hugs, kisses, and sleepless nights. and a future of family vacations, 4 proms, 16 homecomings, 4 driver's ed classes, and 4 college tuitions.

the other side of the fork: brings us closer to being a family of two who happen to have a lot of dog "children".

my prayer is that they will be placed in the safest, most stable enviornment.

safety.

stability.

two things that are a constant for these four now. two things the four new nothing about 1 year 1 month and 11 days ago.

please God, let them have the life they deserve to live. please.

table for 6?

2009-07-05T15:27:00.004-04:00

we've decided that if they don't return home, that we will adopt 4 out of 5 of the sibling set.

yes. you read it right - we will have gone from a family of 2 to a family of of 4 to a family of 6. almost overnight.

2 boys, 2 girls - ages 2 through 9.

even as i type this i can't believe this is the path we have taken. together.

together.

there are no words to describe the feeling i get when i hear her say "i have totally fallen in love with these kids".

i am the luckiest, most blessed girl in the world - i have found my "knight in shining armor" and together we are making both our dreams come true. i don't think i could ask for anything more.

2 + 2 + 2 = ?

2009-06-27T19:08:00.003-04:00

so we are wondering what it would be like to have 4 kids. not just for one night, but forever.

could laurie and i be as brave as our parents and raise them. well. with our sanity intact?

what about the financial impliactions? housing? clothes? food? could we afford it?

or do we say forget it, the universe will hold us tight and get as through as it has always done.

the kids would have two mommies. and the two mommies would have 4 kids.

i think we may be ready to accept the challenge.

our newest addition....

2009-06-25T21:19:00.003-04:00

her name is scarlett. she came to our house with her mom and we were fostering them. her mom went to her forever home yesterday. turns out scarlett had already found hers here with us! we call her our first family dog. the kids love her, and she loves them!

a grown-up night

2009-06-17T18:15:00.002-04:00

he's at camp. she's at a sleep over. dare i say that the grown-ups actually have a night to themselves? we haven't had one since before they came. i think i might have to dance naked through the living room and have junk food for dinner to celebrate!!!

i feel free

2009-06-12T21:39:00.002-04:00

of my hair. oh happy free not hot on my neck anymore day! now if only i could feel as pixie'ish as my hair :-)

happy birthday little man!!! (updated)

2009-06-09T10:47:00.005-04:00

it's little man's ninth birthday today. our house is covered in dino decorations and dino goodie bags. it's going to be a fun fun day!

here's what we served at his party. we came up with the name together. he is so creative! it was a big BIG hit with his friends!!!

Dino-Menu:

Prehistoric Swamp Water (Lemonade)

Fire Tree Bark (BBQ chips)

Onion Tree Bark (Sour Cream & Onion Chips)

Dino Spine Straws (Twizler Straws)

Baked T-rex Teeth (Cheese Pizza)

Dino Egg Halves (Bagel Bites)

his birthday also marks the one year anniversary of when they came into our lives. yes, he was taken on his birthday. i'd like to think it will turn out to be the best birthday present he was ever given. time will tell :-)

and the results are.....

2009-06-08T20:01:00.001-04:00

wonderful! it's been removed completely. no follow up surgery. god is wonderful!

hi. my name is heather. and i am addicted....

2009-06-05T23:17:00.006-04:00

to ebay.

i fell prey to the online mega yardsale in it's early days. i had let go of the obsession for many years until i realized how freaking expensive didj games are and that they NEVER go on sale.

oh how i have fallen off the ebay wagon. and hard.

in one week i have purchased the following (and by one week, i really mean 3 days):

6 didj games
a lot consisting of 20 picture books
a lot consisting of 40 chapter books for ages 6-10
a lot consisting of 32 judy blume and beverly cleary books
8 magic tree house books

i am currently bidding on 8 more items (mostly tori amos and leap-pad stuff) and watching 6 other items (more books, more tori, and more leap pad).

i need EA (ebay'ers annonymous) and fast.

on an extremely happy note our little ones finished school today. both passed with flying colors! little man is actually on grade level, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! he was on a 1st grade level when he started this year. he ended 3rd grade on a 3rd grade level and we could not be happier and more proud!

ladybug is reading on a 4th grade level. what a way to enter 2nd grade! and as i type all this i realize i am becoming one of those parents. considering where the kids came from and what they've been through, i think they totally deserve one of those parents anyway!!!!

i can't wait to see what summer brings us!

so mote it be

2009-05-23T07:52:00.001-04:00

god grant me the serenity to make it through today.

just for today:

i will work honestly

i will be kind

i will not anger

i will not worry

i will be thankful

5 years and counting.....

2009-05-22T06:54:00.001-04:00

i love her more and more each day.

blogless

2009-05-19T15:28:00.003-04:00

there is so much going on right now that i don't even know where or how to begin. everything seems chaotic, uncertain. from my summer work schedule to where the kids will go to school next year. nothing is definite yet.

and i hate that.

i can admit without shame that i am a bit of a control freak. no, i don't need to control others but i sure as hell need to know where i need to be, when i need to be there and what i'll be doing.

i couldn't answer any of those questions right now.

so i'm going to resort to what i do best at times like this: daydreaming and internet shopping and daydreaming about more internet shopping. well of course in between trying to the best mom and wife i can be :-)

the little needle that i love....

2009-05-07T06:48:00.002-04:00

i wish i could've kept it. the needle that helped to determine if it is breast cancer. it isn't. we were one of the lucky ones. it's one of three non-invasive things and will be removed from our lives in 26 days.

i pray for those who haven't gotten news like this, i thank god every day that she did, and make sure i hold on to her even tighter.

i am so obsessed

2009-05-03T11:40:00.005-04:00

i can not stop watching this damn movie! i love it. i am also currently reading the book. and it's not so much the movie, book or story i'm obsessed with - it's savanah herself. could i really be a southern girl at heart? southern hospitatlity and grace with yankee street smarts and political views? is that possible? i think i would even be able to stand the summer heat just knowing i was surrounded by her beauty and mystery. i can not wait to go back!

tomorrow....

2009-04-29T19:26:00.002-04:00

i have a post-adpotive services seminar to attend. today it seems pointless under these new circumstances.

maybe by friday i'll be hopeful again. maybe.

i'm speechless

2009-04-27T23:29:00.001-04:00

and counting down the days til our lives change again and theirs pretty much end.

just to lighten the mood a little

2009-04-26T19:33:00.006-04:00

updated kitty pics.
she is now a year old!
still not gracefull.
still retarded, literally.

but still my itty bitty kitty!

in case you didn't see her before pics i reposted a few below :-)

like hell on earth....

2009-04-26T19:26:00.002-04:00

this weather kills me. i. hate. HATE. HATE to be hot. and i totally despise being sweaty.

i am both right now.

yesterday did not go well. to say the very least.

today has not gone much better.

looks like i should've bought my cheese from costco. i feel a whole lot more whining coming on.

tomorrow is court. pray for them. and us.

god just get me to tuesday.

yes, i'd like some cheese with my whine.

2009-04-25T08:06:00.004-04:00

i am sitting here drinking my first AM cup of coffee. i am drinking it from the mug i purchased on vacation to help me remember how it felt to be there. today i find that a hard thing to do. my house is covered in vacation mess and apathy. i can't seem to muster any energy. i found my self saying yesterday in response to the question are you ok?: "i sure am in a funk for someone who has evrything going for them. i mean really, things are really good."

so why do i feel so stuck? i keep telling myself my body has put itself in a "resting" mode so that i will be ready to conquer what comes next. last summer with the kids was awesome. i can only imagine how fun this summer will be! work will change for the summer, no longer working in a school daily. and most importantly i start going back to school for myself soon. i am only two courses away from finishing up my bacherlors and will immediately delve into the masters program. i can not wait.

perhaps i'm just exhausted from all the excitment. perhaps i'm waiting for that "other shoe to drop". perhaps it's on it's way.

so much to say, letn' the pics say it for me....for now

2009-04-22T18:39:00.012-04:00

me, on the way. that's what a day in the car with kids will do to ya!

the bird girl.

SC welcoming us with her weeping, loving arms.

one of my new favorite trees.

THE haunted house we toured and i got the orb pics from.

a green man fairy hole. i have a whole slew of fairy hole pics to post later.

the only pic of us from vacation. i think little lady could be a photographer!

"i'm queen of the woooorrrrllllddd". or maybe just this bridge.

we had SOOOO MUCH FUN on these tandem bikes it should've been illegal!

one of the pics i took on the ghost tour of savanah. note the orbs :-) i do believe in ghosts!

one of the MANY beautiful trees of GA.

can you see the green man? i can!

god is awesome!

you must respect alice, or she will eat you!

pelican at botany bay on edisto island, SC.

botany bay on edisto island, SC. i don't know how i left this place. i wanna go back. now.

laurie's idea of sunbathing. she is so warm blooded even the beach was too cold for her!

how i loved taking my kids to my favorite "traveling" store from my childhood.

fort pedro from south of the border at the NC/SC border.

lots more pics to come till i find the words!

she is calling to me......

2009-04-07T17:45:00.002-04:00

saturday i will answer her call. the kids will start their first vacation. i can not wait.

32 flavors and then some.....

2009-04-05T11:03:00.003-04:00

i turn 32 on thursday. it sounds so weird to say that. in many ways i still feel like i'm so young. my body feels otherwise. it keeps trying to revolt against me and it's quite annoying.

when i reflect on where i am at this impending new age i am pretty happy, at least in the big picture sense. i am blessed with a great wife, a great family, a great job, a great house, great pets, great friends, and have been blessed with the opportunity to share all of this with two of the greatest children on earth. it's when you look at the fine print (wait, let me get my glasses. funny how quickly age catches up with you) that things get blurred.

on the wife and family front things are pretty good. my parents health has me in a constant state of worry but they both keep marching on. laurie is such a tropper, being thrust into parenthood, stil apprehensive about whether it's what she truly wants. but what i know and see and hear from her own lips is that she is totally in love with these children. and that is enough. however these great kids aren't truly ours and i feel sometimes like i'm just counting down the days till they go "home".

i was told this weekend that they shouldn't ever have called me mama, that i didn't carry them for 9 months, that it hurts her feelings when they say it and that they should know better. miss heather is all that's acceptable. did i mention it was their mom that said this to me. loudly, pointing fingers, in the middle of the mall. in FRONT of her kids. who were frozen with fear and confusion. the children refuse to comply to this wish of hers. they say it's too hard for them and that they want to call me mama. really, when it comes down to it, it does not matter what they call me. mama, mom, mommy, miss heather, hey you - the meaning behind the words will still be "caretaker, guardian, protecter, teacher, nurturer, love". whatever they call me will just be a substitue for the word mom. so, as it has always been, it's up to them what they call me. they choose mama.

Squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am thirty-two flavors and then some

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision

So you might want to turn your head

Cuz someday you're going to get hungry

And eat most of the words you just said.

- ani difranco

today, this favorite song of mine, my anthem of sorts for the past decade, has a brand new meaning.

i'm gonna focus on the good....

2009-04-03T07:24:00.004-04:00

HE MADE HONOR ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my little big man, who could barely speak let alone spell or write, who didn't want hugs or to look at you in the eyes. who couldn't follow a direction to save his life HAS RAISED HIS GRADES TO ALL A's and B's!! i can't even begin to tell you how proud we are of him and how proud he is of his self!

we try to instill in the kids the same beliefs and principals we live our lives by: do good things and good things will come to you. well he worked hard, has had excellent school behaviors and it sure did pay off! AND to top it off we also found out yesterday that he got a FULL scholarship to a camp he really wanted to attend this summer!!!!

for all the bad that's in his past, god is certainly showering him with as much good!

3 x better and getting better still

2009-03-19T17:06:00.005-04:00

had little man's eligibility meeting today (for spec ed services). he didn't qualify. am i upset? quite the contrary. our little man has improved 300% in both his reading and math skills. SINCE CHRISTMAS. he is above average instead of drastically below and about 10 points away FROM GETTING STRAIGHT A'S!!!!

i haven't been able to stop crying (i am so overly emotional these days) since the meeting.

everyday he becomes more and more himself. and we are so blessed to be witnessing it even when he's being the bratty 8 year old (really, who wasn't one when they were 8). we get through the moment then giggle to ourselves at how proud we are of him - i mean he has found his way out of his own little world and into ours. he has FRIENDS. he has LANGUAGE. he can't stop SAYING I LOVE YOU and GETTING HUGS.

he has come home to himself. and we are so thankful it's with us.

and on an another bright note my niece made it through surgery today. brain surgery. and is recovering without complications.

God is good.

just for today.....

2009-03-15T12:54:00.004-04:00

there are five main principles, or guidelines if you will, of Reiki. they seem so simple. however they can also be so very difficult.

just for today:

i will work honestly

i will be kind

i will not anger

i will not worry

i will be thankful

i find 2 through 5 to be the hardest. i have found myself in a constant state of worry and anger lately. and it's beginning to affect everything i do and say. i find myself thinking unkind thoughts and forgetting how much i have to be grateful for. last night both laurie and i were reminded how lucky we are. she was told her friend's 4 month old son passed away yesterday morning more then likely due to SIDS. our problems seem non-existent compared to what they must be going through.

to them. to my family and friends. to anyone reading this and open to accepting it. to myself. i send Reiki. just for today, i hope that i can remember the 5 principles and try to aspire to live them each day. i wonder what the world would be like if we all did?

today i am reminded that like the phoenix, we can all rise up from the ash. you just have to willing to try.

namaste my friends.

1 hour

2009-03-14T17:40:00.002-04:00

can someone please, please tell me how being an hour and half late for a three hour visit and then ending it early so you can catch a ride home (to the motel) is proving you are fit to be a parent again.

4.5 hours this month is all she has with them. and they call that trying. trying really hard.

really? what the hell kind of world do we live in people?? and are you really ok with it? i mean, really. ok. with it?

1 year and 5 days ago

2009-03-11T19:52:00.002-04:00

our lives changed forever. we decided to open our hearts and home and become "moms". i can't believe it's been a year already. i can't believe we've had 3, yes 3, children call us mom. show us love. allow us to nurture them, watch them grow. we went from two to three to four so quickly. the 9 months we've had little lady and mr. man have definitely been long. they've been full with heartsongs and heartache. triumphs and turbulence. way more good then all the bad. and even with all the puke and pain, i wouldn't change a second of it.

with all the stresses that raising two kids can bring to your daily life, i think i may have finally found my peace. it's in their eyes. even with all the hurt and heartache their young lives have brought them there us an undeniable hope residing in their round, brown eyes.

i hope i can help them hold on that forever. to not forget it as so many of us adults do. to remember that we are resilient beyond our wildest imagination and when the going gets tough we can persevere.

today, with the sun on my face, their laughter in my ear, and laurie by my side - i could ask for nothing more.

back to life..

2009-03-09T17:04:00.003-04:00

i have rejoined the land of the living. and breathing. it's nice here; i am glad to be back.

lately things have been so overwhelming. secrets have come to the surface. not mine, but little lady's. and they are numerous, heartbreaking, and make me remember why i like my dogs more then most people.

i keep my thoughts upbeat through this by focussing on one upcoming joyous thing - our first (of hopefully many) family vacation!! 7 days and 6 nights of glorious sun, sand, and soul soothing. we can NOT wait!! and i can't seem to buy enough stuff for it. i call it shopping therapy. laurie calls it hoarding. whatever. it's fun!

so the five year old just dumped her drink on the 7 year's old plate and the 8 year is defending them both. time to get off line and back to reality.

really, again?

2009-03-03T18:51:00.005-05:00

so this is what happened to my eye last time i threw up. three years ago. and i haven't puked since. until today. once i'm feeling up to it i'll post new pics of my newly bloodied eye. and perhaps the pics will even pic up the fine detailing of all the broken capillaries on my forehead, chin, nose, and cheeks. not to mention my lovely black and blue swollen, and bloody eyes.

oh how i heart me.

MIA

2009-02-28T19:58:00.003-05:00

is what i seem to be lately.

here. there. everywhere.

searching, brooding.

licking wounds i feel but can't quite see yet.

fearfilled and not fancyfree.

i can't stand this waiting. unknowing.

still, i wait.

do i threaten you?

2009-02-09T16:59:00.004-05:00

apparently i threaten "her". she thinks i am trying to steal her children. i like to think it's just that i want them and i don't think she can say the same. she had the chance to live with her youngest, even while in foster care. she chose cigarettes instead.

perhaps i threaten her because i don't threaten her kids. they don't fear us. they have no need. they have no bruises, on their skin or their souls, since they have come into our homes. our hearts.

perhaps i'm a threat because her kids are finally healthy. finally happy. i can be quite threatening in that way i suppose, you know, that unconditional love way.

how dare i feed her kids since she couldn't. how dare i bathe, educate, help them heal since she couldn't. how dare i love them, with all i have, we have, to give. i think it's partly because we are two women. and since we lack sperm we have to take the kids of others. how wrong that thought process is - i mean really. wouldn't it be way easier for two women to NOT have to open their homes to the state. to not have to defend their lives to strangers. no, this is definately not the easier way. there are many "banks" we could have made a withdrawl from, friends who would be happy to help as well. but to her we took the "easy road". like rasing kids that have seen horrors these moms can't even imagine would be the "easy road".

i certainly can't change their past. i can't change hers either. teach her that children are vulnerable to the things around them. see, hear, smell the things we do near them we think we are hiding. know when we are lying to them. know when we don't care.

no, i can't change their pasts. but i can fight like hell for their futures. all i want for them is to be safe. happy. healthy. whole. if they can do that with her, fine. but if they can't they certainly have a place to call home. here, with us.

and two became, um, still two!

2009-02-08T13:40:00.004-05:00

so the young ones have their own bedrooms. it feels like it took forever and all the fears we had have melted away. these two have never slept alone before. ever. either they were surrounded by their whole family in their two bed motel-homes or snuggled close to their siblings in rooms their shared. they now have their own dressers, closets, book cases, toy boxes. everything is theirs, and theirs alone. i can't imagine what that must really feel like. i know what it looks like - the kids are positively radiant. glowing with pride and bursting at the seams with joy over their separateness.

we were so afraid they would be sad to be alone. and this could just be a honeymoon. but we've talked about it for months. practiced alone times. allowed them to be a part of the cleaning, moving, transition.

my little lady is a princess. she can priss and prance like no one i've seen. and if anyone thought i was the world's biggest drama queen, well they haven't met my daughter. but today, you would think she was a queen. and for today, she is - well of her room anyway!

something wonderful or wicked this way comes?

2009-02-07T08:12:00.004-05:00

i have this feeling like something extraordinary is about to happen. i just don't know what, when, or to whom. maybe i'm just excited because this is the first week since november i have not had to restrain a child at work. maybe it's because we're watching little man blossom and grow and make progress everyday (two 100% on tests this week!! only one throw up incident in a month and a half! eating HAPPILY every meal!!!).

of course with the good comes the bad. little lady has been in a bit of trouble at school this week. and i've been asked to take her to a counselor who specializes in sexual trauma due to things that have recently come to the surface about her previous living arrangements.

this breaks my heart.

maybe by extraordinary i mean horrible because who knows what we will be learning. who knows what secrets my little girl is protecting. and who knows what rat bastard will rot in hell for exposing her to such things.

sometimes i truly hate people.

but for now i will enjoy the warm weather, continue getting my daughter's room ready (she has shared a room with her brother her whole life and they are both FINALLY ready to be on their own!!!!), and pray that be it wonderful or horrible, i can handle what comes next!

again. really. are you there god? it's me, sicko.

2009-02-01T16:28:00.002-05:00

my head is pounding. i can't breathe, smell, or taste. i have drainage. my lips are cracked, dry and on fire.

i am sick.

again.

seriously, can't i get a friggin break. just like, maybe a two month stretch. is that too much to ask for? and i REALLY HAVE BEEN trying. hard. to stay healthy. movn' more. eatn' less. drinking way more water, way less soda. lost 5 pounds. saw the specialist. been faithfully taking my meds. going to bed early and resting. washing my hands. making my kids wash theirs. a lot. reiki'ing the heck outta me, you, and everyone else i know hoping to stop the spread of germs and promote the spread of health.

it didn't work.

i really think i might look into one of those bubbles. yeah. that sounds REALLY nice right now.

my randomness

2009-01-29T17:12:00.005-05:00

25 random factoids about yours truly - tagging is so fun!

1. above all else, i have always wanted to be a mom.
2. i secretly wish i were also a rock star (we didn't really buy singstar for the kids ;)
3. i completely suck at keeping in touch with people, but once someone is my friend, i consider them my friend always. i really cherish the relationships i have that don't have to be feed and watered daily to thrive - we can always pick right back up be it a few weeks, months, or a decade.
4. i really miss my purple hair and wish i could dye it that color now.
5. i believe music is the soundtrack to our souls and you should sing loudly and daily.
6. i am an ordained minister (so that's rev. dancer to you!).
7. i hate having my picture taken, a lot.
8. even on my very worst days, i LOVE my job and can't believe how lucky i am to have it.
9. i never really knew what pride was until i had my children.
10. i hold 5 certifications in natural health yet still get really really sick and go allopathic ause i don't do as i say, i do as i shouldn't do.
11. i love office supplies. and shopping for them. a lot.
12. i used to own 156 pairs of shoes. and wore them all. but not at once. and my favorite shoes are stil doc martens and i will heart (and wear) them till the day i die.
13. i have no use for ignoance and think that it is the biggest problem our society faces and most all of our other problems steam from it.
14. i am a borderline hoarder when it comes to crafts and activities i can use with my kids.
15. i have a very difficult time justifying spending more then $5 on a piece of kids clothing since they will only wear it for about three months, so i am a HUGE bargain/sale/clearance shopper.
16. my last name should actually be spelled with an "s" like it is on facebook and not a "c" like it is in reality but the army screwed over my dad. we are the only ones (out of 100's) on his side that spell it dancer.
17. i believe in ghosts and as a kid wanted to be a "spiritologist" when i grew up.
18. i still worry about disppointing my parents.
19. i was outed by the free lance star as being "a fredericksburg lesbian" even though i never once said i was during the mulitple interviews.
20. i procrastante. horribly. and often.
21. i can't bring myself to eat anything that nurses it's young. or chickens. or any meat for that matter. i very rarely still eat fish, but find myself disgusted at myself for doing so.
22. i want to go to seminary and be a UU minister when i grow up. or in about 20 years. which ever happens first.
23. when i was in fifth grade i had to write a paper on the 8th wonder of the world. i chose airplanes. they scare the shit out of me. still do. however i got an F. apparently my topic blew as the other kids choose friendship and love and things of that nature.
24. i've gotten every job i've ever wanted. and even ran my own businesses (three of them).
25. even though i tease my wife for watching reality tv, i secretly heart it.

he got an A

2009-01-22T20:14:00.002-05:00

today, for the first time in his little life, my son got an A on his report card. followed by his first B!! he raised both of those grades from D's last 9 weeks.

he has worked so hard.

we have worked so hard.

he has come so far.

we have come so far. as a family and individuals.

i am so proud of him. so hopeful for his future. still nervous about ever losing him, but trusting that god dreams even bigger dreams then we can dream for ourselves and that he will be where it's best for him. and my heart tells me that here, with us. i hope.

full of hope

2009-01-20T18:48:00.002-05:00

so not only is today one of the most wonderful days in american history but it was also full of hope for this growing family of ours.

the doctor said we may have the wrong diagnosis and MUCH potential for our son to make progress. apparently the years of neglect have cause dysfunction in his his excecutive fuctioning skills. basically, he can learn to process that which he can't process now. OT will help him integarte new items (like food) into his sensory diet.

he has an IQ of 110. he has the processing skills of a 4 year old but this can and will change.
with time, with maturity. he will be able to learn to have social relationships. he will make friends. and keep them. he wil pass third grade, and every grade to come with extra support at school and home. we can help him learn. and grow. and thrive.

between obama's inaguration and the news from the doctor today, i haven't stopped crying tears of happiness. nor have i been this full of hope in such a long time. so many good things are in store: for my son, my family, for us ALL.

i am so thankful to be alive!

nothing but good

2009-01-15T23:02:00.002-05:00

perhaps rambling on in my last blog helped. pehaps the wise words from a good friend (thank you erin!) helped more. but something's worked.

NO TEARS OR FIGHTS for the last 9 meals. it was like a light bulb went off over his head. he got it. "i eat = i get dessert. i eat = i feel better. i eat = everyone, including me is happy. "

i have slept better these last few nights then i have in months. my mind knows my son's belly is full, his body is rested and his mind is calm. that's all this mom could ask for.

i feel so lost

2009-01-11T14:41:00.003-05:00

so my son doesn't like to eat. anything. except chicken nuggets, french fries, banannas, pizza, and apple sauce. i know, "gee heather, get over it. you have a picky eater". but i have a picky eater that vomits. even the things he likes. he weighs 58 lbs. and is almost 60 inches tall. he is not healthy. every meal is a fight.

every meal.

and i don't know what to do. the doctors have him on another stomach med. hoping it will help. crisis point - that's been mentioned.

and it doesn't help that he'll be eating something going "oh, this is heaven" and we think, thank god. one meal down without a tantrum or puking. and woo-hoo, there's leftovers. next meal will be easy too. but no. next time "well this isn't the same" because it looks different from being reheated. so he won't eat it. so he's picky and autistic, but come on EAT!

and he's 8. that's a lot of vomit when it happens (8 times in the last 3 weeks). the doc thinks it's behavaioral (duh) and anxiety induced (duh again). but at 8 one can't really tell you what's going on. especially when you have issues with verbal communication anyway. not that i want to put my little man on more meds, but anything to help him calm down. we are using flower essences, aromatherapy, and crystals. but i am ready for a prescription.

and it's all compounded by the fact that someone else got him first. made him, and raised him with all the issues we are now sorting out with our blood, sweat, and tears. it's no wonder i'm having health crisis after health crisis.

he's 8 for god's sake. life should be fun, breezy, fancy free. i'm so sad he didn't get that ticket to this ride. i'm so sad that his 8 little years have been filled with such sadness. that his autism makes him see the world so differently. that his body process his senses so differently.

between the not eating right, having to be reminded to snack all day to keep up his calories, having to remind him to go to the bathroom (if we don't, he has accidents), remembering if and when he pooped last, reminding him to remember what i just asked him to do - every sentence i speak in my house starts with his name and ends with "please go do that now, again".

these have been the longest, hardest, most rewarding months of my life.

from the mouth of my child

2009-01-06T19:31:00.001-05:00

so we were playing mario kart on the Wii and my son shouts out "mama! mama! it's like we're on a real roller toaster! a real roller TOASTER!!!!"

yes, my son, this life of ours is one big roller toaster after another!

2009 A Pill Odysey

2009-01-06T08:54:00.003-05:00

i just got out of the hospital. for the 2nd time in less then two months! how can i possibly be this unhealthy at the ripe young age of 31. i'm on bp medicine, thyroid medicine, two allergy medicines, 2 inhalers, a nebulizer, pain pills for migraines, steroids, antibiotics and the occasional xannix to calm me down when i get overwhelmed by all the other freaking pills!!!! i have to see a pumuologist (sp), a neurologist, an allergist, and have a sleep study. all this month. not too mention lose weight, eat less then 2000 mg of sodium per day (dude, when did sodium sneak into EVERYTHING!!). all while raising two wonderful (but def have our hands full) kids and being the best wife i can be. and dealing with all the bullshit that seems to come along with the foster care system. and still try to figure out how to work full time. and clean house. and clothes. and cook. ok, i think i just felt my bp raise! even after a DOUBLE dose of meds!

not too mention i'm still trying to find the spiritual side of myself again, the calm reiki master living in me. the person who knows how to heal myself holistically but just won't give herself enough time to sit down and figure out how to do it!

pills are easier. allopathic, it's easier. in short term. i can only imagine what these meds are doing to the rest of my systems! perhaps i need to find my way to a nice sweat lodge. that sounds really good right about now.

today though, i'm gonna have to just settle for a nap and a double dose of steroids.

and so it seems...

2009-01-03T10:08:00.003-05:00

i get to start my year the way i finished 2008. sick. and on steroids. for the 4th time in like 3 months. this sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks. i have totally taken breathing for granted over the years. and i know i want to be more present in each moment, but really, i don't think i need to struggle for each breath to remember how happy i am to be alive.

my poor kids just sit and stare at me when i get to coughing, amazed at the funny sounds mommy can make. here's where little man's autism comes in handy - he's not worried about me in the least and in fact is rather annoyed at the coughing - just more loud noises he hates to hear. it's little lady i worry most about because she knows mommy doesn't feel well and wants to go right back into her 'i need to take care of my mommy" role she knew so well with her bio mom. i have to keep reassuring her i will be ok and thank her for her help and remind her "you go be a kid!".

last night i really thought i was on my way back to hospital. and i was scarred. i refuse to have my year go this way. holistically speaking my lungs are just trying to get me to say all the things i know i need to say. they want to shed the weight of silence they have carried for so long. my throat chakra is just burning to be relieved of the burdens i have bestowed on her. i hate that i know all this, but ignore it. i need to embrace it. use it. be it.

don't dream it, be it! that's what frank-n-furter said. i think that might be my mantra this year!

2008 - our year of the child

2008-12-31T17:51:00.006-05:00

make that children. this year has brought so many joys, new journeys, hugs, heartache, and head aches. i don't even know where to begin on re-capping it. nor do i know where to begin on resolutions.

perhaps: move more, eat less, meditate more, get frustrated less, learn more patience, lose patience less, BE HERE NOW and GRATEFUL. that sounds like a good start.

tonight i will watch the ball drop on TV with my wife, our kids, and our dogs from the comforts of our couch. in our home. which this year, exploded with love and laughter.

i can't wait to see wait next year will bring!

and now it's all over....

2008-12-27T09:16:00.003-05:00

so christmas was, well, pretty excellent! i think the mommies went slightly overboard in the toy department and the kids got way too much. but isn't that what it's all about! they've been happily playing with their goodies - so much so they haven't even metioned the loot we have not unloaded from the car from grandma!!

i got some wonderful surprises too. besides all the bath and body goodies i got DIAMONDS!! black and white ones and they are beautiful! i also got my FAVORITE movie from my childhood:

we all curled up last night and watched it together. i have always dreamed of sharing my favorite things with my children, words can't even begin to describe how good it feels to actually be doing it!

fun. fun. fun. we have a sleep over planned with their little sister. she'll be staying the night with us sometime this week. and we'll do another little christmas party with their sibling's foster family that day too. little man's and ladybug's school took them on a shoppping trip so they could purchase gifts for their families. they were so cute about it and did an EXCELLENT job!

but right now we are smack dab back in our reality: we woke up to a puking little boy - not the flu, just his behavior. he got in a little trouble last night before bed so he woke up puking a few hours later. sometimes i wonder if his timeouts are worth it considering i always get more punished in the end!!! but the puking episodes are fewer and farther between now. i think he is getting the hang of life - sometimes good, sometimes bad - nothing worth puking over!!

now i'm off to start my day! goddess let it be a good one!

holly jolly hyperactivity

2008-12-20T08:10:00.001-05:00

oh. my. god. the kids in my school were C R A Z Y this week. and last! our two week break started yesterday and i am hap happ happy!!! i think my holiday spark hit me last night and i have so many things to do! and i am EXCITED ABOUT THEM!

today though brings a mommy visit, then a shopping trip to charlottesville! woo-hoo! now that will be fun.

trying to find that holiday cheer

2008-12-17T20:25:00.002-05:00

it's been so hard to get in the spirit this year. i thought it would be easier, esp with the kids. but i think i'm too afraid. too afraid this may be our first, and last, holiday as a family. too afraid that it won't be enough. just too, too afraid.

i have so many surprises and i'm so afraid they'll be blown by the visit on saturday.

my family has so many secrets that seemed to find their way to light. last week.

i am struggling to not hate my job. myself.

it gets dark too late and does not get light early enough.

i'm sick. again.

our charlie brown tree keeps falling.

but we have a home to live in. food on the table, in bellies, and in the fridge/freezer/pantry. we have money in the bank account. a closet full of holiday gifts. i have a wonderful wife. we have two fabulous children. that should be enough. that should be it all.

i still feel something is missing. perhaps it's her, my sister. whose absence always looms this time of year. perhaps its me. i still haven't found my way back to myself.

i know for sure one thing that's missing, my holiday spark. and i only have 8 days to find it. some how.

things this month

2008-12-13T14:52:00.003-05:00

have been crazy.

between getting ready for the holiday, eating lots of thanksgiving goodies, and having my whole house sick - it's been c r a z y.

little man had a cold that lasted for ever. laurie had food poisoning. then little man is just now getting over the stomach flu. i swear sometimes i think we live in an infirmary!! god bless lysol!

i just finished my holiday time soap/salve/salt making for gifts for friends and relatives. considering all my $$ has gone to the kids this year, laurie may have to settle for a homemade gift as well! this will be the first year it's not all about us - my hope is that the kids going ape-shit over their loot will be enough!! i can't wait to see little man's face when he sees santa not only got him the ever so popular bakugan gameset with 6 balls but he also is getting his precious robo-raptor. and little miss will have enough hannah montanna that she could quite possible open up her own libbey lu!! oh, laurie did get the DS she's always wanted.

best of all though is my present: christmas with my wife, son, and daughter. that's all i've ever wanted. it's all i really need.

turkey with bbq sauce

2008-11-27T21:36:00.003-05:00

what a day. what a wonderful, family filled day.

it was supposed to also be a mommy phone day. she failed miserably. thank god the kids didn't what she was supposed to do. just as they didn't know about all the things she was supposed to do when they lived with her. you know, like feed, clothe, and bathe them.

instead they got to happily spend time with their "uncles", "cousins", "aunts", "grandparents", and "moms". feasting on food, love, and laughter.

it was a wonderful day. for this, i am thank full!

i hate autism

2008-11-21T22:50:00.002-05:00

i hate watching him being robbed of friendships. sarcasim. empathy.

i hate watching him not be able to understand the concept of hygiene.

feel. emotion. feel. texture.

there are no pictures to teach caring. sharing. nurture.

we have 100's to teach hygiene.

it's working. s.l.o.w.l.y.

i hate the waiting.

for comprehension of a sentence. a request.

i hate waiting.

for an intervention to work.

as much as i hate this, as much as my heart breaks - i love this boy.

my son.

hopefully.

and tomorrow it begins again....

2008-11-16T20:01:00.002-05:00

it's kinda weird to be so nervous about a monday. i'm not usually like that. it's just another (usually long) day of the week. after everything that's been going on with my health - which is still a little wonky. i'm wondering if i ever will feel better. or walk straight. again.

a good tomorrow will include:

* no puking (from my son, self, or anyone else near me)
* my children to get up, get dressed - fuss free
* breathing freely without my neb
* BP stays stable
* no meltdowns from my group memebers @ school
* no meltdowns from me @ school
* the ability to control, or at least limit, my unstoppable eating while on steroids
* a nap at 3:45 pm
* my wife's arms around me when she gets home

this is my will. so mote it be!!

back to life

2008-11-14T18:30:00.003-05:00

so being in the hospital for 4.5 days sucks. being away from your wife double sucks. and being away from your kids, well that's enough to kill you!!!!

still not sure what happened, or what took me down so hard. but i fell. fast. hard. and took a very long to come back. ended up on several IV blood pressure medicines, steroids, and insulins. fun fun fun.

but it's all over now. well at least "overish". still have lots of pills and breathing treatments, but at least the i'm home and IV free!!!

i think i need a nap.

another blast from the past

2008-11-07T12:02:00.000-05:00

a year ago we started the journey to parenthood. actually, more like a year and half, when laurie said she was ready and willing to do it. but last october we got our home ready. got new furniture, a bed, towels, tolietries, bedding, a ps2. everything we could to make his first night at home good. well that first night never happened. and it never will for him. i think of him often. i still wish he was ours. and i still cling to a small speck of hope that we'll get a call, and get him. he deserves so much more then what life has dealt him. sometimes i really hate people. and "the system".

Friday, October 26, 2007

not appropriate for community placement

so as some of you may know laurie and i have been diligently preparing to open our home to a child. first he was to arrive 2 months ago. date changed to three weeks ago. instead of coming home he was sent to a therapeutic work program and would be with us in 180 days.

now they've deemed him "unacceptable for placement within the community" and will be keeping him in residenital programs until he ages out of foster care.

funny what happens when you give a homeless kid with drug addicted parents to foster parents who takes kids as a means of making money and not to actually raise the kids. then you yank them from that set of parents and give them to "family" whose main source of income is drug dealing for which one of the parents is now serving 20 years in jail for drug/gun charges. i wonder why the kid might have a problem with right/wrong. legal/illegal. empathy/remorse. hmmmm.......

needless to say we're pretty pissed. and sad. for him. for us. and for the nuturing environment (he had never had) we were ready to offer he won't get. for the person he could have (and hopefully still might) become. we're pretty devistated that he, nor we, will even get a chance.
we're going to try and fight it but they've kinda given up on him so we are low on hope.

happy samhain! guess it's mostly tricks not treats this year...

so much changed since this post...today has me reliving the past a bit.

2008-11-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

Friday, February 08, 2008

we’re not certifiable??

for the first time in a really long time i have been faced with homophobia. in my own home. we're one class and 2 home visits away from being certified foster parents. we've been doing this since september 2007. yesterday we had our first of the 2 home visists and learned because we aren't "just roommates" we may not actually be approved. i hate living in this state.

needless to say my heart is broken all over again. for too many reasons to even list. they are still going to try to certify us, so we can perhaps foster from other counties that allow glbt couples to do so. they just can't guarentee that our county will ever place a child with us. so really, what's the point of that?

we will keep plugging along, in hope some other locality will utilize us. and we will be licking our wounds and i'll be figuring out if perhaps this is the universe asking me to strap back on my activist boots and get out there and get vocal.

our retarded kitty.

2008-11-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

we have a retarted cat. wait, i mean intelectually diabled kitty. the doctor refers to her as neuro-kitty. her name is reiki, cause i felt she needed lots of it to get through when we first got her, er, i mean when i first took her from a client. this is her at 6 weeks old:

yes. that is her at six weeks old. i saw her litter mates. i was there the day they were born. i know the timeline. although the 4 oz. alien i am holding surely doesn't look like she's six weeks old. or going to make it. but she did. she's a tropper. she was hand feed every 2-3 hours for about 4 days. they 5-6 times a day for 3 weeks after that. she had a hot water bottle 24/7 to keep her body temperature up. if i had to work, she went to "kitty-care". she slept in a box near the bed. she had to stay in quarantine from our other cat and the dogs for 5 weeks, not for their sake, but for hers as her immune system was so low. she had a heart murmur and given a short life expectancy. but she survived. here she is at 3 months old:

my daughter calls her miracle kitty. no, not because she survived. but because she can climb ANYTHING, fall, and get right back up and do it again. now i know, "uh, heather, that's what all kittens do". yeah, but not like reiki. she has no kitty grace. she wobbles when she walks, runs, stands, sits. she has no concept of no, fall, ouch, oops - i could kill myself. she's slightly crazy, oh, and retarded. but we love her. she's been so fun, and good for the kids. and good for this mom!

something funny. something not.

2008-11-07T08:38:00.001-05:00

as laurie and i were waiting yesterday for my doctor to come in and give me my good old friends "steroids" to help me get through this sicknes funk i was reminded of the last time i had to head to the ER. i thought it was asthma, turns out it was pnemonia. they figured this out through x-raying my chest. here's where the funny part comes in (and why laurie was laughing so hard she was crying).

the ER was pretty full that day. they stuck me in the kids ward. not even in a bed, just a chair. in a room no bigger then a closet. and since i'm such a baby, i had not only laurie with me, but my mom too. so there were the three of us in this tiny closet. oh, i guess i should also mention we had to make room for my BIG OLE SICK ATTITUDE. yeah, that took up quite a bit of room. once they gave me some drugs to breathe and some to help me calm down (my BP was 201/110 - yeah, not good. but did i mention i couldn't breathe) it was just the me, mom, and laurie again. the doctor decided i needed that x-ray, and sent for a tech.

in comes nice man (and family friend, which makes this even more funny and unbearable) to wheel me down to the x-ray department. he came in to the room with this tensy, tiny wheelchair. for a kid. which would have been appropriate had a kid actually been in this kids room. but no, it was me. who happens to not be the fattest woman, but also not the skinnest. and DEFINATELY NOT CHILD SIZED!! but the "nice" man insisted i try. so what happened. yup, you may have guessed it. my fat ass rested nicely on the ARM RESTS. yeah, i'm sure that was a nice sight. probably looked like trying to fit this:

into this:

yeah, not fun. but quite funny! so the fat woman who couldn't fit into the child's wheelchair with pnemonia had to WALK all the way to the x-ray department AND BACK becuase they were so busy all the adult wheelchairs were in use. yeah. not a good day. for my lungs or my ego.

on to the not so funny bit. my son has autism. i've never really typed that out before. i've read it in the report we just got back. i knew from the day he came in to our lives. but to type it. read it. know it for sure. that's something else completely. it explains alot of his quirks, inability to make friends. follow directions. eat, touch, or look at things he is not familiar with. explains his totally and complete black/white thinking pattern.

autism is nothing new to me. i've been working with children and families living with it and affected by it for years. i just never thought it would be this close to home. luckily for us all i know what to do. but that doesn't make it any easier. doesn't make me mourn any less. doesn't make me fear even more the life he may go back to.

and it certainly doesn't make me love him any less.

he's a wonderful, bright (he's on the high functioning end of the scale with an extemely high IQ), artistic, unique kid. he (and his sister) have become our lives. we're going to do everything in our control to make sure however long he is with us is productive, engaging, and teaches him how to function in a world he sees so diferently then anyone else. a world in which he will have find his own place, in his own way, and in his own time. i just pray he can do it. i know he can.