she is calling to me......

saturday i will answer her call. the kids will start their first vacation. i can not wait.

32 flavors and then some.....

i turn 32 on thursday. it sounds so weird to say that. in many ways i still feel like i'm so young. my body feels otherwise. it keeps trying to revolt against me and it's quite annoying.

when i reflect on where i am at this impending new age i am pretty happy, at least in the big picture sense. i am blessed with a great wife, a great family, a great job, a great house, great pets, great friends, and have been blessed with the opportunity to share all of this with two of the greatest children on earth. it's when you look at the fine print (wait, let me get my glasses. funny how quickly age catches up with you) that things get blurred.

on the wife and family front things are pretty good. my parents health has me in a constant state of worry but they both keep marching on. laurie is such a tropper, being thrust into parenthood, stil apprehensive about whether it's what she truly wants. but what i know and see and hear from her own lips is that she is totally in love with these children. and that is enough. however these great kids aren't truly ours and i feel sometimes like i'm just counting down the days till they go "home".

i was told this weekend that they shouldn't ever have called me mama, that i didn't carry them for 9 months, that it hurts her feelings when they say it and that they should know better. miss heather is all that's acceptable. did i mention it was their mom that said this to me. loudly, pointing fingers, in the middle of the mall. in FRONT of her kids. who were frozen with fear and confusion. the children refuse to comply to this wish of hers. they say it's too hard for them and that they want to call me mama. really, when it comes down to it, it does not matter what they call me. mama, mom, mommy, miss heather, hey you - the meaning behind the words will still be "caretaker, guardian, protecter, teacher, nurturer, love". whatever they call me will just be a substitue for the word mom. so, as it has always been, it's up to them what they call me. they choose mama.

Squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am thirty-two flavors and then some

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision

So you might want to turn your head

Cuz someday you're going to get hungry

And eat most of the words you just said.

- ani difranco

today, this favorite song of mine, my anthem of sorts for the past decade, has a brand new meaning.

i'm gonna focus on the good....

HE MADE HONOR ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my little big man, who could barely speak let alone spell or write, who didn't want hugs or to look at you in the eyes. who couldn't follow a direction to save his life HAS RAISED HIS GRADES TO ALL A's and B's!! i can't even begin to tell you how proud we are of him and how proud he is of his self!

we try to instill in the kids the same beliefs and principals we live our lives by: do good things and good things will come to you. well he worked hard, has had excellent school behaviors and it sure did pay off! AND to top it off we also found out yesterday that he got a FULL scholarship to a camp he really wanted to attend this summer!!!!

for all the bad that's in his past, god is certainly showering him with as much good!

3 x better and getting better still

had little man's eligibility meeting today (for spec ed services). he didn't qualify. am i upset? quite the contrary. our little man has improved 300% in both his reading and math skills. SINCE CHRISTMAS. he is above average instead of drastically below and about 10 points away FROM GETTING STRAIGHT A'S!!!!

i haven't been able to stop crying (i am so overly emotional these days) since the meeting.

everyday he becomes more and more himself. and we are so blessed to be witnessing it even when he's being the bratty 8 year old (really, who wasn't one when they were 8). we get through the moment then giggle to ourselves at how proud we are of him - i mean he has found his way out of his own little world and into ours. he has FRIENDS. he has LANGUAGE. he can't stop SAYING I LOVE YOU and GETTING HUGS.

he has come home to himself. and we are so thankful it's with us.

and on an another bright note my niece made it through surgery today. brain surgery. and is recovering without complications.

God is good.

just for today.....

there are five main principles, or guidelines if you will, of Reiki. they seem so simple. however they can also be so very difficult.

just for today:

i will work honestly

i will be kind

i will not anger

i will not worry

i will be thankful


i find 2 through 5 to be the hardest. i have found myself in a constant state of worry and anger lately. and it's beginning to affect everything i do and say. i find myself thinking unkind thoughts and forgetting how much i have to be grateful for. last night both laurie and i were reminded how lucky we are. she was told her friend's 4 month old son passed away yesterday morning more then likely due to SIDS. our problems seem non-existent compared to what they must be going through.

to them. to my family and friends. to anyone reading this and open to accepting it. to myself. i send Reiki. just for today, i hope that i can remember the 5 principles and try to aspire to live them each day. i wonder what the world would be like if we all did?





today i am reminded that like the phoenix, we can all rise up from the ash. you just have to willing to try.


namaste my friends.

1 hour

can someone please, please tell me how being an hour and half late for a three hour visit and then ending it early so you can catch a ride home (to the motel) is proving you are fit to be a parent again.

4.5 hours this month is all she has with them. and they call that trying. trying really hard.

really? what the hell kind of world do we live in people?? and are you really ok with it? i mean, really. ok. with it?

1 year and 5 days ago

our lives changed forever. we decided to open our hearts and home and become "moms". i can't believe it's been a year already. i can't believe we've had 3, yes 3, children call us mom. show us love. allow us to nurture them, watch them grow. we went from two to three to four so quickly. the 9 months we've had little lady and mr. man have definitely been long. they've been full with heartsongs and heartache. triumphs and turbulence. way more good then all the bad. and even with all the puke and pain, i wouldn't change a second of it.

with all the stresses that raising two kids can bring to your daily life, i think i may have finally found my peace. it's in their eyes. even with all the hurt and heartache their young lives have brought them there us an undeniable hope residing in their round, brown eyes.

i hope i can help them hold on that forever. to not forget it as so many of us adults do. to remember that we are resilient beyond our wildest imagination and when the going gets tough we can persevere.

today, with the sun on my face, their laughter in my ear, and laurie by my side - i could ask for nothing more.