walk a mile in my shoes

dear women at the cell phone store,

you have no idea what we go through a daily basis. you have no right to judge me. yes, i still make my son hold my hand in public sometimes. no, i'm not "keeping him like he is in jail" and no "he's not to old for that" like you so kindly commented out loud yesterday. and go ahead and "look at her, just look at her" next time you see me because i will probably be doing the same thing.

if you want to know the truth, he is in jail. autism keeps him locked away in a cell. keeping a line drawn thick between what you and me and society expects and calls "normal". i am his mother. when i hold his hand, despite his age, i am keeping him safe. yesterday i was stopping him from crawling on and licking the floor and licking your desperately needed iPhone accessories. so, ma'am, until you have lived a day in my life fuck you. and fuck your friend too. and next time keep your comments to youself.

love and light,
Me

learn from my mistake

a long pixie haircut can also be described as a "dorothy hamill" or in 2010 lingo a "justin bieber".

BABY! BABY! BABY! OH!!!!!!

forgetting to remember. unedited, flow of thought

end of march 2007. quick phone call to laurie to say hi and check in. quickly mention, again, becoming a respite/overnight care taker in our home for clients. her quick reply "been thinking about that. it would help me get ready, you know, to have kids. been thinking i am ready to try". that was it. i could no longer speak and ended the call with an "i love ya".

could not bring myself to metion it. could not stop thinking about it. for weeks.

end of april 2007. red lobster, table by the window. i had finally found my nerve. i began to talk but was interupted by a brochure. she's found a perfect little place in virginia beach to wisk us away to for a few nights. i say sure and she calls to book it. i wait. impatiently. when she's off the phone i take a breath and just say "so there's something i want to talk to you about" to which she replies "well it's taken you long enough. i can't believe how long you've waited". we both laughed. and then we talked, about starting a family. we decided adoption would be best for us and we'd start through foster care.

then we went on vacation. and talked about it non stop. and i dreamed of sharing moments like that with our children. i took pictures of everything and spoke of what i would tell them when i shared these photos with them - how in this one you had just said "but i won't share MY food", how i had just whispered "i love you. thank you." in your ear and that's why you are smiling like that. how you are so much braver than me and that shows in this picture.

june 2010. i got to share the sights and sounds and memories of that time with our family. there, on the beach. all four of us.

i rememered how at this point, we've come full circle. only a few steps left till it's forever. and i remembered a whole lot more.

i joked that since my dream of a perfect love came true, then my dream to be a counselor came true, and then my dream of children came true there's only one thing left for me to do. then i remembered i can do anything. we all can. let's see how far i take this next adventure!

today....

today is a new beginning. a fresh start to remove staleness that has set in. plans abound and i need energy/strength to get through.

i want to be PRESENT for every moment, not just here. i want to be here now, everytime.

i want to do more with less. i need to. i will focus. it will happen. and it will be wonderful.

5 Right Now's

1. my nose and body are reacting horribly to the pollen outside. i feel icky.

2. mr. gamecube is happily "babysitting" so i can veg out on the couch and feel bad about feeling bad.

3. the eclipse soundtrack makes me very happy.

4. i go back to work on monday with some of the GREATEST kids on the planet - can not wait.

5. the dino party was a HIT. number 10 down. many more to go, thankfully.

summer's here, finally!

and the irony of being up at 5:00 am on the first official day off from school isn't lost on me!

lot's of things going on here in our little neck of the world. most of them wonderful. with the transition from school to summer mr. autism always rears his little head. (yes, we named his autism. really just added mr. because when "he" is around "he" demands authority and respect!)most days, we can even forget that he lives with us. bumbleboy triumphs on as though he does not live with mr. autism, they typically can coexhist peacefully now. then a change occurs, a transition takes place - and wam, bam, thank you ma'am - MR. A appears and disrupts our world. but i am NOT complaining. in the world of autism we have it very easy. his progress far outweighs his delays at this point. he IS winning this battle. we are blessed by that.

summer brings weekly tae kwon do, summer soccer camp, me working 3 days a week, redecoration of ladybug's room, lots of work/upgrades being done to our home, two birthdays, and a family trip to florida. it's going to be a very busy blast!

best of all, well for the moment anyway:

i have a new favorite summer song. i listen to it often, very loudly. it makes me smile and think of her, of us. it's the best sum-up-of-us-song i've heard in a long time. i'm gonna sing it daily, like it's our new anthem.

If It's Love......by Train

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

[Chorus]
If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison
We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

[Chorus]

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
I'm in it for you

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
Then the rest is just whenever

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
That's enough for me

today

the handmade hanger on his door reads:

"in. be careful. dinos on the loose."

and that's just as it should be.