MIA

is what i seem to be lately.

here. there. everywhere.

searching, brooding.

licking wounds i feel but can't quite see yet.

fearfilled and not fancyfree.

i can't stand this waiting. unknowing.

still, i wait.

do i threaten you?

apparently i threaten "her". she thinks i am trying to steal her children. i like to think it's just that i want them and i don't think she can say the same. she had the chance to live with her youngest, even while in foster care. she chose cigarettes instead.

perhaps i threaten her because i don't threaten her kids. they don't fear us. they have no need. they have no bruises, on their skin or their souls, since they have come into our homes. our hearts.

perhaps i'm a threat because her kids are finally healthy. finally happy. i can be quite threatening in that way i suppose, you know, that unconditional love way.

how dare i feed her kids since she couldn't. how dare i bathe, educate, help them heal since she couldn't. how dare i love them, with all i have, we have, to give. i think it's partly because we are two women. and since we lack sperm we have to take the kids of others. how wrong that thought process is - i mean really. wouldn't it be way easier for two women to NOT have to open their homes to the state. to not have to defend their lives to strangers. no, this is definately not the easier way. there are many "banks" we could have made a withdrawl from, friends who would be happy to help as well. but to her we took the "easy road". like rasing kids that have seen horrors these moms can't even imagine would be the "easy road".

i certainly can't change their past. i can't change hers either. teach her that children are vulnerable to the things around them. see, hear, smell the things we do near them we think we are hiding. know when we are lying to them. know when we don't care.

no, i can't change their pasts. but i can fight like hell for their futures. all i want for them is to be safe. happy. healthy. whole. if they can do that with her, fine. but if they can't they certainly have a place to call home. here, with us.

and two became, um, still two!

so the young ones have their own bedrooms. it feels like it took forever and all the fears we had have melted away. these two have never slept alone before. ever. either they were surrounded by their whole family in their two bed motel-homes or snuggled close to their siblings in rooms their shared. they now have their own dressers, closets, book cases, toy boxes. everything is theirs, and theirs alone. i can't imagine what that must really feel like. i know what it looks like - the kids are positively radiant. glowing with pride and bursting at the seams with joy over their separateness.

we were so afraid they would be sad to be alone. and this could just be a honeymoon. but we've talked about it for months. practiced alone times. allowed them to be a part of the cleaning, moving, transition.

my little lady is a princess. she can priss and prance like no one i've seen. and if anyone thought i was the world's biggest drama queen, well they haven't met my daughter. but today, you would think she was a queen. and for today, she is - well of her room anyway!

something *wonderful* or *wicked* this way comes?

i have this feeling like something extraordinary is about to happen. i just don't know what, when, or to whom. maybe i'm just excited because this is the first week since november i have not had to restrain a child at work. maybe it's because we're watching little man blossom and grow and make progress everyday (two 100% on tests this week!! only one throw up incident in a month and a half! eating HAPPILY every meal!!!).

of course with the good comes the bad. little lady has been in a bit of trouble at school this week. and i've been asked to take her to a counselor who specializes in sexual trauma due to things that have recently come to the surface about her previous living arrangements.

this breaks my heart.

maybe by extraordinary i mean horrible because who knows what we will be learning. who knows what secrets my little girl is protecting. and who knows what rat bastard will rot in hell for exposing her to such things.

sometimes i truly hate people.

but for now i will enjoy the warm weather, continue getting my daughter's room ready (she has shared a room with her brother her whole life and they are both FINALLY ready to be on their own!!!!), and pray that be it wonderful or horrible, i can handle what comes next!

again. really. are you there god? it's me, sicko.

my head is pounding. i can't breathe, smell, or taste. i have drainage. my lips are cracked, dry and on fire.

i am sick.

again.

seriously, can't i get a friggin break. just like, maybe a two month stretch. is that too much to ask for? and i REALLY HAVE BEEN trying. hard. to stay healthy. movn' more. eatn' less. drinking way more water, way less soda. lost 5 pounds. saw the specialist. been faithfully taking my meds. going to bed early and resting. washing my hands. making my kids wash theirs. a lot. reiki'ing the heck outta me, you, and everyone else i know hoping to stop the spread of germs and promote the spread of health.

it didn't work.

i really think i might look into one of those bubbles. yeah. that sounds REALLY nice right now.

my randomness

25 random factoids about yours truly - tagging is so fun!

1. above all else, i have always wanted to be a mom.
2. i secretly wish i were also a rock star (we didn't really buy singstar for the kids ;)
3. i completely suck at keeping in touch with people, but once someone is my friend, i consider them my friend always. i really cherish the relationships i have that don't have to be feed and watered daily to thrive - we can always pick right back up be it a few weeks, months, or a decade.
4. i really miss my purple hair and wish i could dye it that color now.
5. i believe music is the soundtrack to our souls and you should sing loudly and daily.
6. i am an ordained minister (so that's rev. dancer to you!).
7. i hate having my picture taken, a lot.
8. even on my very worst days, i LOVE my job and can't believe how lucky i am to have it.
9. i never really knew what pride was until i had my children.
10. i hold 5 certifications in natural health yet still get really really sick and go allopathic ause i don't do as i say, i do as i shouldn't do.
11. i love office supplies. and shopping for them. a lot.
12. i used to own 156 pairs of shoes. and wore them all. but not at once. and my favorite shoes are stil doc martens and i will heart (and wear) them till the day i die.
13. i have no use for ignoance and think that it is the biggest problem our society faces and most all of our other problems steam from it.
14. i am a borderline hoarder when it comes to crafts and activities i can use with my kids.
15. i have a very difficult time justifying spending more then $5 on a piece of kids clothing since they will only wear it for about three months, so i am a HUGE bargain/sale/clearance shopper.
16. my last name should actually be spelled with an "s" like it is on facebook and not a "c" like it is in reality but the army screwed over my dad. we are the only ones (out of 100's) on his side that spell it dancer.
17. i believe in ghosts and as a kid wanted to be a "spiritologist" when i grew up.
18. i still worry about disppointing my parents.
19. i was outed by the free lance star as being "a fredericksburg lesbian" even though i never once said i was during the mulitple interviews.
20. i procrastante. horribly. and often.
21. i can't bring myself to eat anything that nurses it's young. or chickens. or any meat for that matter. i very rarely still eat fish, but find myself disgusted at myself for doing so.
22. i want to go to seminary and be a UU minister when i grow up. or in about 20 years. which ever happens first.
23. when i was in fifth grade i had to write a paper on the 8th wonder of the world. i chose airplanes. they scare the shit out of me. still do. however i got an F. apparently my topic blew as the other kids choose friendship and love and things of that nature.
24. i've gotten every job i've ever wanted. and even ran my own businesses (three of them).
25. even though i tease my wife for watching reality tv, i secretly heart it.

he got an A

today, for the first time in his little life, my son got an A on his report card. followed by his first B!! he raised both of those grades from D's last 9 weeks.

he has worked so hard.

we have worked so hard.

he has come so far.

we have come so far. as a family and individuals.

i am so proud of him. so hopeful for his future. still nervous about ever losing him, but trusting that god dreams even bigger dreams then we can dream for ourselves and that he will be where it's best for him. and my heart tells me that here, with us. i hope.