just not good enough

vacation was awesome! it rocked all of our socks and was as the kids called it "the best vacation EVER". that part of august was awesome.

the part were i learned i wasn't good enough to be chosen to stay in my position sucked. the part where i learned i wasn't chosen for a scholarship sucked too.

now i feel like we are just waiting to hear we aren't good enough for her for the third and final strike out.

i am trying to remain positive. right now the only thing i am really positive about is how freaking hard it is to be positive!! and yes, i would like to have some cheese with my w"h"ine. pity party table for one, right this way......(humor, it's what gets me through...and alcohol. oh the voodoo juice, but that's for another post).

IMpatience

i can not wait for the day when i can show you what my life looks like. now i can only show snipets, little pieces that show no one under the age of 10. i do not have permission to show you their sweet faces as they are not truly mine. on paper that is. in hearts and homes they are, securely and steadfast.

i can not wait to know where this new employment journey will take me. i was not selected for one of the 5 variance slots alloted by VA medicaid to continue in my current position. i am now in limbo. i can go back for about 2 months, get the program started and then hand over the reins. i don't think my pride will allow me to do that though. in the meantime i wait to find out to see if they find out IF i am still qualified for anything.

i can not wait to find out if i am going back to school. and if not through this scholarship, then through some other means.

i can not wait to know if our family is growing. it felt so for sure. it doesn't feel that way now.

i can not wait for vacation. where i can hopefully stop thinking about the waiting. where instead i can just BE.
Happy Birthday Baby! & Happy 10th Anniversary too!

dear girlysmack...

post a blog. soon. damnit.

love ya!

daddy's girl

my dad has dementia. everyday we seem to lose another part of him. everyday he becomes more child like and less of the man i grew up with. everyday it gets harder. for him. for my mom. for us all.

my heartbreaks each time i see him and tell him the same thing over and over and over again.

i cry inside everytime i have to tell him my son's name. again.

i love my dad.

i miss my dad.

but i don't even know how to juggle...

i have so many balls in the air at this point i don't know how i could possibly catch them all without hurting myself, or someone else.

i just want to know. want SOMETHING final. finally.

waiting is such a hard thing.

ch ch ch changes.....

so much is a'foot in my life i don't even know where to start.

1) i have applied for a wondrous scholarship which would afford me the opportunity to go back to school and procure that ever elusive (at least to me) piece o' paper they call a degree. it's a scholarship specifically for foster parents who would use their degree to better their community. i think that fits me, don't you?

2) the work front is a-ok'ish and i am due back to my school on august 7. i have to apply for a variance to grandfatherd as a QMHP but i am feeling pretty dang gone good about my chances! go me!

3) the lies, attitude, and sneakiness has plateaued for now. peaceful, easy feelings abound in my house.

4) i have paint (still in cans) for several rooms in my house, some work has been done - got some more to go - and our GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL new bed has been delivered from Arhaus - if you haven't been, go! now ~ www.arhaus.com ~ i love them so!!!!

5) 5. i like that number. 5. it's a good one. 5, it's feels just right. yes, 5. of us. i hope.

the five things overwhelming me at the moment

1) septemeber can not come soon enough. i need to know yes or no what the future holds. we all do. i am thankful for every day. i just wish some days went faster.

2) there is another out there that needs us. i feel it in every fiber, bone, cell, and heartstring in my body. we just need one more room. just. like it's just that easy to add on and remodel a house. but that is just all that we need to make it happen. perhaps i need to start playing the lottery. or enlisting lots of friends to help. i think an "amish barnraising" type of a thing would work. any volunteers??

3) regualtions have changed in the state. i no longer qualify for my job unless i am one of five "grandfathered" in - 5 out of 116. i am desperate to know what my job will be come sept 6. i may or may not find out on july 29. prays desperately need and greatfully accepted.

4) the above three have me so stressed i can barely speak. at least speak kindly. especially to my better half. i hope she knows that it's the stress and not me; soon, soon things will calm. we hope.

5)i have been working around the clock with high/special needs kids since 6/4/2010 at 11:30 am. as in 24/7. I. NEED. A. BREAK.


after(THEBLOG)thought: found this on my friend's facebook and it spoke to me. loudly.
"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller (amen sister, amen)