2010 starts with the 6 of us

their siblings are staying the night tonight.

they will begin the new year with us.

i hope it's a sign of the good things to come.

tonight is also a full moon, the second one of this month aka "a blue moon".

it's gotta be a double good sign, right?!

my new baby

yes. i called a car "my baby". 'cause i love her. a lot.

i will never get stuck in my house due to snow again!

it may not be the greenest thing i have ever done but this was DEFINITELY the car we needed. seats seven (fingers crossed will need that many).

i have not loved a vehicle like this since i had my honda element. perhaps i'll keep this one longer than 18 months!

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

it's been a while since i've been able to write about what's been happening in our lives lately. partly because i don't have a lot of time, mostly because it's been a lot of heartache and searching for silver linings.

this wondrous white stuff we received this weekend has afforded me some time to get some thoughts out of my head and into writing - i'll be posting them soon.

in the meantime, here are some pics of our winter wonderland!

thanksgrieving

today i am finding much gratefullness within myself. for my family, my friends, my home, my job, having food, being able to afford to give the children a nice christmas. there are so many things to be grateful for.

and yet i am almost paralized with grief. i can't seem to get past missing her this year. i can't seem to stop being angry with god for taking her too soon. i can't help but cry. a lot.

but i am grateful that my grief has yet to be caught by my little ones. that they just know mommy is thankful for them today. they don't know that for many years thanksgiving was our christmas #1. we'd decorate the house for the holidays, tree and all. then we'd stuff our selves silly today and tomorrow we'd have christmas. and she'd be there. and it would all be for them.

i am grateful for all the memories i have from those days. she always made things so special. just by being present. today, i am grateful to be present in the life of my children, my beloved, my parents. and i am thankfilled with my memories.

merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again. until that day i will be present for you my sister, my soul, my angel, my friend.

still here somewhere

long time, no blog. school started and things have been crazy busy over the last two months. there are so many things that have happened - some good, some not so good. but we are plugging along, making the most out of it all. hopefully i will get more then 3 minutes to myself sometime soon and will start to share the details.

losing jasmine was one of the saddest moments of the past few months. she was a good doggie!

Jasmine April 1993 - September 5, 2009

the highlight of our summer vacation.....

we swam with the rays......sting rays......at the aquarium....with lots of people watching...

IT WAS AMAZING!

they were so soft and graceful.

and really good kissers ;-)

i hadn't seen my love light up her face with her beautiful smile like that in a long time!

preparing to snorkle. what dorks!

but it sure was worth it!!!!!!!!

numbers

2 - the # of days till we leave for the beach

11 - the # of days laurie and i will be off work

8 - the # of days we will be at the beach

13 - the # of days till school starts

1 - the # of times the children will have returned to the same school as last year - only with us

429 - the # of days the children have been in our home

42 - the # of hours the children have seen their mom over the last year

13 - the # of psychological disorders the children have been diagnosed with

11 - the # of days till we find out the judge's plan

infinite - the # of prayers needed ensuring the children are placed in the safest, stablest place

today i am grateful because.......

1) i didn't actually lose my car key in walmart like i thought. it just fell into one of our shopping bags as i took my keys out of my bag while we walked to the car- of course we didn't realize it until AFTER we searched the store for a single missing key for 30 minutes. none the less it was a miracle!

2) i got to watch my two gorgeous children graduate from (their third!!!) summmer camp this afternoon. they were so proud not only of themselves, but to have someone there watching them with pride.

3) our trip to the beach is getting closer and closer. and we can not wait.

4) we have a home full of love, laughter, food, support, wisdom, learning, and puppy-love.

5) i re-realized today that to get (and keep) the positive energy flowing more freely, i must focus on the positive things in my life. stop dwelling aka worrying about the negatives.

6) august 20th marks my 9th anniversary with my wonderful soul mate. the yin to my yang. the light to my dark. the stabilty to my dreamer's mind. the one who completes me and makes me want to be a better me.

i am so blessed.

what saturday brings....

a visit.

in her new apartment.

to be continued......

court has been potsponed. and so has the official reunification of the sibling unit. i feel like all we do is wait. patience is a virtue, right?

fingers, toes, arms, and legs all crossed

in 7 days we will find out where the next fork in our path will take us.

on one side of the fork: it brings us closer to two sets of bunkbeds, 1 carseat, 2 booster seats, clothes in size 3t, 5, 8, and 12. lots of hugs, kisses, and sleepless nights. and a future of family vacations, 4 proms, 16 homecomings, 4 driver's ed classes, and 4 college tuitions.

the other side of the fork: brings us closer to being a family of two who happen to have a lot of dog "children".

my prayer is that they will be placed in the safest, most stable enviornment.

safety.

stability.

two things that are a constant for these four now. two things the four new nothing about 1 year 1 month and 11 days ago.

please God, let them have the life they deserve to live. please.

table for 6?

we've decided that if they don't return home, that we will adopt 4 out of 5 of the sibling set.

yes. you read it right - we will have gone from a family of 2 to a family of of 4 to a family of 6. almost overnight.

2 boys, 2 girls - ages 2 through 9.

even as i type this i can't believe this is the path we have taken. together.

together.

there are no words to describe the feeling i get when i hear her say "i have totally fallen in love with these kids".

i am the luckiest, most blessed girl in the world - i have found my "knight in shining armor" and together we are making both our dreams come true. i don't think i could ask for anything more.

2 + 2 + 2 = ?

so we are wondering what it would be like to have 4 kids. not just for one night, but forever.

could laurie and i be as brave as our parents and raise them. well. with our sanity intact?

what about the financial impliactions? housing? clothes? food? could we afford it?

or do we say forget it, the universe will hold us tight and get as through as it has always done.

the kids would have two mommies. and the two mommies would have 4 kids.

i think we may be ready to accept the challenge.

our newest addition....

her name is scarlett. she came to our house with her mom and we were fostering them. her mom went to her forever home yesterday. turns out scarlett had already found hers here with us! we call her our first family dog. the kids love her, and she loves them!

a grown-up night

he's at camp. she's at a sleep over. dare i say that the grown-ups actually have a night to themselves? we haven't had one since before they came. i think i might have to dance naked through the living room and have junk food for dinner to celebrate!!!

i feel free

of my hair. oh happy free not hot on my neck anymore day! now if only i could feel as pixie'ish as my hair :-)

happy birthday little man!!! (updated)

it's little man's ninth birthday today. our house is covered in dino decorations and dino goodie bags. it's going to be a fun fun day!

here's what we served at his party. we came up with the name together. he is so creative! it was a big BIG hit with his friends!!!

Dino-Menu:

Prehistoric Swamp Water (Lemonade)

Fire Tree Bark (BBQ chips)

Onion Tree Bark (Sour Cream & Onion Chips)

Dino Spine Straws (Twizler Straws)

Baked T-rex Teeth (Cheese Pizza)

Dino Egg Halves (Bagel Bites)

his birthday also marks the one year anniversary of when they came into our lives. yes, he was taken on his birthday. i'd like to think it will turn out to be the best birthday present he was ever given. time will tell :-)

and the results are.....

wonderful! it's been removed completely. no follow up surgery. god is wonderful!

hi. my name is heather. and i am addicted....

to ebay.

i fell prey to the online mega yardsale in it's early days. i had let go of the obsession for many years until i realized how freaking expensive didj games are and that they NEVER go on sale.

oh how i have fallen off the ebay wagon. and hard.

in one week i have purchased the following (and by one week, i really mean 3 days):

• 6 didj games
• a lot consisting of 20 picture books
• a lot consisting of 40 chapter books for ages 6-10
• a lot consisting of 32 judy blume and beverly cleary books
• 8 magic tree house books

i am currently bidding on 8 more items (mostly tori amos and leap-pad stuff) and watching 6 other items (more books, more tori, and more leap pad).

i need EA (ebay'ers annonymous) and fast.

on an extremely happy note our little ones finished school today. both passed with flying colors! little man is actually on grade level, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! he was on a 1st grade level when he started this year. he ended 3rd grade on a 3rd grade level and we could not be happier and more proud!

ladybug is reading on a 4th grade level. what a way to enter 2nd grade! and as i type all this i realize i am becoming one of those parents. considering where the kids came from and what they've been through, i think they totally deserve one of those parents anyway!!!!

i can't wait to see what summer brings us!

so mote it be

god grant me the serenity to make it through today.

just for today:

i will work honestly

i will be kind

i will not anger

i will not worry

i will be thankful

5 years and counting.....

i love her more and more each day.

blogless

there is so much going on right now that i don't even know where or how to begin. everything seems chaotic, uncertain. from my summer work schedule to where the kids will go to school next year. nothing is definite yet.

and i hate that.

i can admit without shame that i am a bit of a control freak. no, i don't need to control others but i sure as hell need to know where i need to be, when i need to be there and what i'll be doing.

i couldn't answer any of those questions right now.

so i'm going to resort to what i do best at times like this: daydreaming and internet shopping and daydreaming about more internet shopping. well of course in between trying to the best mom and wife i can be :-)

the little needle that i love....

i wish i could've kept it. the needle that helped to determine if it is breast cancer. it isn't. we were one of the lucky ones. it's one of three non-invasive things and will be removed from our lives in 26 days.

i pray for those who haven't gotten news like this, i thank god every day that she did, and make sure i hold on to her even tighter.

i am so obsessed

i can not stop watching this damn movie! i love it. i am also currently reading the book. and it's not so much the movie, book or story i'm obsessed with - it's savanah herself. could i really be a southern girl at heart? southern hospitatlity and grace with yankee street smarts and political views? is that possible? i think i would even be able to stand the summer heat just knowing i was surrounded by her beauty and mystery. i can not wait to go back!

tomorrow....

i have a post-adpotive services seminar to attend. today it seems pointless under these new circumstances.

maybe by friday i'll be hopeful again. maybe.

i'm speechless

and counting down the days til our lives change again and theirs pretty much end.

just to lighten the mood a little

updated kitty pics.
she is now a year old!
still not gracefull.
still retarded, literally.

but still my itty bitty kitty!

in case you didn't see her before pics i reposted a few below :-)

like hell on earth....

this weather kills me. i. hate. HATE. HATE to be hot. and i totally despise being sweaty.

i am both right now.

yesterday did not go well. to say the very least.

today has not gone much better.

looks like i should've bought my cheese from costco. i feel a whole lot more whining coming on.

tomorrow is court. pray for them. and us.

god just get me to tuesday.

yes, i'd like some cheese with my whine.

i am sitting here drinking my first AM cup of coffee. i am drinking it from the mug i purchased on vacation to help me remember how it felt to be there. today i find that a hard thing to do. my house is covered in vacation mess and apathy. i can't seem to muster any energy. i found my self saying yesterday in response to the question are you ok?: "i sure am in a funk for someone who has evrything going for them. i mean really, things are really good."

so why do i feel so stuck? i keep telling myself my body has put itself in a "resting" mode so that i will be ready to conquer what comes next. last summer with the kids was awesome. i can only imagine how fun this summer will be! work will change for the summer, no longer working in a school daily. and most importantly i start going back to school for myself soon. i am only two courses away from finishing up my bacherlors and will immediately delve into the masters program. i can not wait.

perhaps i'm just exhausted from all the excitment. perhaps i'm waiting for that "other shoe to drop". perhaps it's on it's way.

so much to say, letn' the pics say it for me....for now

me, on the way. that's what a day in the car with kids will do to ya!

the bird girl.

SC welcoming us with her weeping, loving arms.

one of my new favorite trees.

THE haunted house we toured and i got the orb pics from.

a green man fairy hole. i have a whole slew of fairy hole pics to post later.

the only pic of us from vacation. i think little lady could be a photographer!

"i'm queen of the woooorrrrllllddd". or maybe just this bridge.

we had SOOOO MUCH FUN on these tandem bikes it should've been illegal!

one of the pics i took on the ghost tour of savanah. note the orbs :-) i do believe in ghosts!

one of the MANY beautiful trees of GA.

can you see the green man? i can!

god is awesome!

you must respect alice, or she will eat you!

pelican at botany bay on edisto island, SC.

botany bay on edisto island, SC. i don't know how i left this place. i wanna go back. now.

laurie's idea of sunbathing. she is so warm blooded even the beach was too cold for her!

how i loved taking my kids to my favorite "traveling" store from my childhood.

fort pedro from south of the border at the NC/SC border.

lots more pics to come till i find the words!

she is calling to me......

saturday i will answer her call. the kids will start their first vacation. i can not wait.

32 flavors and then some.....

i turn 32 on thursday. it sounds so weird to say that. in many ways i still feel like i'm so young. my body feels otherwise. it keeps trying to revolt against me and it's quite annoying.

when i reflect on where i am at this impending new age i am pretty happy, at least in the big picture sense. i am blessed with a great wife, a great family, a great job, a great house, great pets, great friends, and have been blessed with the opportunity to share all of this with two of the greatest children on earth. it's when you look at the fine print (wait, let me get my glasses. funny how quickly age catches up with you) that things get blurred.

on the wife and family front things are pretty good. my parents health has me in a constant state of worry but they both keep marching on. laurie is such a tropper, being thrust into parenthood, stil apprehensive about whether it's what she truly wants. but what i know and see and hear from her own lips is that she is totally in love with these children. and that is enough. however these great kids aren't truly ours and i feel sometimes like i'm just counting down the days till they go "home".

i was told this weekend that they shouldn't ever have called me mama, that i didn't carry them for 9 months, that it hurts her feelings when they say it and that they should know better. miss heather is all that's acceptable. did i mention it was their mom that said this to me. loudly, pointing fingers, in the middle of the mall. in FRONT of her kids. who were frozen with fear and confusion. the children refuse to comply to this wish of hers. they say it's too hard for them and that they want to call me mama. really, when it comes down to it, it does not matter what they call me. mama, mom, mommy, miss heather, hey you - the meaning behind the words will still be "caretaker, guardian, protecter, teacher, nurturer, love". whatever they call me will just be a substitue for the word mom. so, as it has always been, it's up to them what they call me. they choose mama.

Squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am thirty-two flavors and then some

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision

So you might want to turn your head

Cuz someday you're going to get hungry

And eat most of the words you just said.

- ani difranco

today, this favorite song of mine, my anthem of sorts for the past decade, has a brand new meaning.

i'm gonna focus on the good....

HE MADE HONOR ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my little big man, who could barely speak let alone spell or write, who didn't want hugs or to look at you in the eyes. who couldn't follow a direction to save his life HAS RAISED HIS GRADES TO ALL A's and B's!! i can't even begin to tell you how proud we are of him and how proud he is of his self!

we try to instill in the kids the same beliefs and principals we live our lives by: do good things and good things will come to you. well he worked hard, has had excellent school behaviors and it sure did pay off! AND to top it off we also found out yesterday that he got a FULL scholarship to a camp he really wanted to attend this summer!!!!

for all the bad that's in his past, god is certainly showering him with as much good!

3 x better and getting better still

had little man's eligibility meeting today (for spec ed services). he didn't qualify. am i upset? quite the contrary. our little man has improved 300% in both his reading and math skills. SINCE CHRISTMAS. he is above average instead of drastically below and about 10 points away FROM GETTING STRAIGHT A'S!!!!

i haven't been able to stop crying (i am so overly emotional these days) since the meeting.

everyday he becomes more and more himself. and we are so blessed to be witnessing it even when he's being the bratty 8 year old (really, who wasn't one when they were 8). we get through the moment then giggle to ourselves at how proud we are of him - i mean he has found his way out of his own little world and into ours. he has FRIENDS. he has LANGUAGE. he can't stop SAYING I LOVE YOU and GETTING HUGS.

he has come home to himself. and we are so thankful it's with us.

and on an another bright note my niece made it through surgery today. brain surgery. and is recovering without complications.

God is good.

just for today.....

there are five main principles, or guidelines if you will, of Reiki. they seem so simple. however they can also be so very difficult.

just for today:

i will work honestly

i will be kind

i will not anger

i will not worry

i will be thankful


i find 2 through 5 to be the hardest. i have found myself in a constant state of worry and anger lately. and it's beginning to affect everything i do and say. i find myself thinking unkind thoughts and forgetting how much i have to be grateful for. last night both laurie and i were reminded how lucky we are. she was told her friend's 4 month old son passed away yesterday morning more then likely due to SIDS. our problems seem non-existent compared to what they must be going through.

to them. to my family and friends. to anyone reading this and open to accepting it. to myself. i send Reiki. just for today, i hope that i can remember the 5 principles and try to aspire to live them each day. i wonder what the world would be like if we all did?





today i am reminded that like the phoenix, we can all rise up from the ash. you just have to willing to try.


namaste my friends.

1 hour

can someone please, please tell me how being an hour and half late for a three hour visit and then ending it early so you can catch a ride home (to the motel) is proving you are fit to be a parent again.

4.5 hours this month is all she has with them. and they call that trying. trying really hard.

really? what the hell kind of world do we live in people?? and are you really ok with it? i mean, really. ok. with it?

1 year and 5 days ago

our lives changed forever. we decided to open our hearts and home and become "moms". i can't believe it's been a year already. i can't believe we've had 3, yes 3, children call us mom. show us love. allow us to nurture them, watch them grow. we went from two to three to four so quickly. the 9 months we've had little lady and mr. man have definitely been long. they've been full with heartsongs and heartache. triumphs and turbulence. way more good then all the bad. and even with all the puke and pain, i wouldn't change a second of it.

with all the stresses that raising two kids can bring to your daily life, i think i may have finally found my peace. it's in their eyes. even with all the hurt and heartache their young lives have brought them there us an undeniable hope residing in their round, brown eyes.

i hope i can help them hold on that forever. to not forget it as so many of us adults do. to remember that we are resilient beyond our wildest imagination and when the going gets tough we can persevere.

today, with the sun on my face, their laughter in my ear, and laurie by my side - i could ask for nothing more.

back to life..

i have rejoined the land of the living. and breathing. it's nice here; i am glad to be back.

lately things have been so overwhelming. secrets have come to the surface. not mine, but little lady's. and they are numerous, heartbreaking, and make me remember why i like my dogs more then most people.

i keep my thoughts upbeat through this by focussing on one upcoming joyous thing - our first (of hopefully many) family vacation!! 7 days and 6 nights of glorious sun, sand, and soul soothing. we can NOT wait!! and i can't seem to buy enough stuff for it. i call it shopping therapy. laurie calls it hoarding. whatever. it's fun!

so the five year old just dumped her drink on the 7 year's old plate and the 8 year is defending them both. time to get off line and back to reality.