2009 A Pill Odysey

i just got out of the hospital. for the 2nd time in less then two months! how can i possibly be this unhealthy at the ripe young age of 31. i'm on bp medicine, thyroid medicine, two allergy medicines, 2 inhalers, a nebulizer, pain pills for migraines, steroids, antibiotics and the occasional xannix to calm me down when i get overwhelmed by all the other freaking pills!!!! i have to see a pumuologist (sp), a neurologist, an allergist, and have a sleep study. all this month. not too mention lose weight, eat less then 2000 mg of sodium per day (dude, when did sodium sneak into EVERYTHING!!). all while raising two wonderful (but def have our hands full) kids and being the best wife i can be. and dealing with all the bullshit that seems to come along with the foster care system. and still try to figure out how to work full time. and clean house. and clothes. and cook. ok, i think i just felt my bp raise! even after a DOUBLE dose of meds!

not too mention i'm still trying to find the spiritual side of myself again, the calm reiki master living in me. the person who knows how to heal myself holistically but just won't give herself enough time to sit down and figure out how to do it!

pills are easier. allopathic, it's easier. in short term. i can only imagine what these meds are doing to the rest of my systems! perhaps i need to find my way to a nice sweat lodge. that sounds really good right about now.

today though, i'm gonna have to just settle for a nap and a double dose of steroids.

and so it seems...

i get to start my year the way i finished 2008. sick. and on steroids. for the 4th time in like 3 months. this sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks. i have totally taken breathing for granted over the years. and i know i want to be more present in each moment, but really, i don't think i need to struggle for each breath to remember how happy i am to be alive.

my poor kids just sit and stare at me when i get to coughing, amazed at the funny sounds mommy can make. here's where little man's autism comes in handy - he's not worried about me in the least and in fact is rather annoyed at the coughing - just more loud noises he hates to hear. it's little lady i worry most about because she knows mommy doesn't feel well and wants to go right back into her 'i need to take care of my mommy" role she knew so well with her bio mom. i have to keep reassuring her i will be ok and thank her for her help and remind her "you go be a kid!".

last night i really thought i was on my way back to hospital. and i was scarred. i refuse to have my year go this way. holistically speaking my lungs are just trying to get me to say all the things i know i need to say. they want to shed the weight of silence they have carried for so long. my throat chakra is just burning to be relieved of the burdens i have bestowed on her. i hate that i know all this, but ignore it. i need to embrace it. use it. be it.

don't dream it, be it! that's what frank-n-furter said. i think that might be my mantra this year!

2008 - our year of the child

make that children. this year has brought so many joys, new journeys, hugs, heartache, and head aches. i don't even know where to begin on re-capping it. nor do i know where to begin on resolutions.

perhaps: move more, eat less, meditate more, get frustrated less, learn more patience, lose patience less, BE HERE NOW and GRATEFUL. that sounds like a good start.

tonight i will watch the ball drop on TV with my wife, our kids, and our dogs from the comforts of our couch. in our home. which this year, exploded with love and laughter.

i can't wait to see wait next year will bring!

and now it's all over....

so christmas was, well, pretty excellent! i think the mommies went slightly overboard in the toy department and the kids got way too much. but isn't that what it's all about! they've been happily playing with their goodies - so much so they haven't even metioned the loot we have not unloaded from the car from grandma!!


i got some wonderful surprises too. besides all the bath and body goodies i got DIAMONDS!! black and white ones and they are beautiful! i also got my FAVORITE movie from my childhood:

we all curled up last night and watched it together. i have always dreamed of sharing my favorite things with my children, words can't even begin to describe how good it feels to actually be doing it!

fun. fun. fun. we have a sleep over planned with their little sister. she'll be staying the night with us sometime this week. and we'll do another little christmas party with their sibling's foster family that day too. little man's and ladybug's school took them on a shoppping trip so they could purchase gifts for their families. they were so cute about it and did an EXCELLENT job!

but right now we are smack dab back in our reality: we woke up to a puking little boy - not the flu, just his behavior. he got in a little trouble last night before bed so he woke up puking a few hours later. sometimes i wonder if his timeouts are worth it considering i always get more punished in the end!!! but the puking episodes are fewer and farther between now. i think he is getting the hang of life - sometimes good, sometimes bad - nothing worth puking over!!

now i'm off to start my day! goddess let it be a good one!

holly jolly hyperactivity

oh. my. god. the kids in my school were C R A Z Y this week. and last! our two week break started yesterday and i am hap happ happy!!! i think my holiday spark hit me last night and i have so many things to do! and i am EXCITED ABOUT THEM!

today though brings a mommy visit, then a shopping trip to charlottesville! woo-hoo! now that will be fun.

trying to find that holiday cheer

it's been so hard to get in the spirit this year. i thought it would be easier, esp with the kids. but i think i'm too afraid. too afraid this may be our first, and last, holiday as a family. too afraid that it won't be enough. just too, too afraid.

i have so many surprises and i'm so afraid they'll be blown by the visit on saturday.

my family has so many secrets that seemed to find their way to light. last week.

i am struggling to not hate my job. myself.

it gets dark too late and does not get light early enough.

i'm sick. again.

our charlie brown tree keeps falling.

but we have a home to live in. food on the table, in bellies, and in the fridge/freezer/pantry. we have money in the bank account. a closet full of holiday gifts. i have a wonderful wife. we have two fabulous children. that should be enough. that should be it all.

i still feel something is missing. perhaps it's her, my sister. whose absence always looms this time of year. perhaps its me. i still haven't found my way back to myself.

i know for sure one thing that's missing, my holiday spark. and i only have 8 days to find it. some how.

things this month

have been crazy.

between getting ready for the holiday, eating lots of thanksgiving goodies, and having my whole house sick - it's been c r a z y.

little man had a cold that lasted for ever. laurie had food poisoning. then little man is just now getting over the stomach flu. i swear sometimes i think we live in an infirmary!! god bless lysol!

i just finished my holiday time soap/salve/salt making for gifts for friends and relatives. considering all my $$ has gone to the kids this year, laurie may have to settle for a homemade gift as well! this will be the first year it's not all about us - my hope is that the kids going ape-shit over their loot will be enough!! i can't wait to see little man's face when he sees santa not only got him the ever so popular bakugan gameset with 6 balls but he also is getting his precious robo-raptor. and little miss will have enough hannah montanna that she could quite possible open up her own libbey lu!! oh, laurie did get the DS she's always wanted.

best of all though is my present: christmas with my wife, son, and daughter. that's all i've ever wanted. it's all i really need.