home

where? they are going "home".

when? soon, possibly before school lets out for the summer.

why? because apparently you don't need a job and welfare is sufficient for income.

how? because, "love" is enough. food, clothes, shelter, structure, schooling, reached potential are just luxuries.

now? we wait. we break. we weep. we hide the pain from them. we transition. we move on.

or at least we try.

and four will probably become two

my heart is broken and world weary and unsure how to go on.

my mind says f*** it all and is quickly trying to compartmentalize this situation.

my soul says find sperm quickly, create life, and move on.

when the three align, i think that's just what we will do.

2010 starts with the 6 of us

their siblings are staying the night tonight.

they will begin the new year with us.

i hope it's a sign of the good things to come.

tonight is also a full moon, the second one of this month aka "a blue moon".

it's gotta be a double good sign, right?!

my new baby

yes. i called a car "my baby". 'cause i love her. a lot.

i will never get stuck in my house due to snow again!

it may not be the greenest thing i have ever done but this was DEFINITELY the car we needed. seats seven (fingers crossed will need that many).

i have not loved a vehicle like this since i had my honda element. perhaps i'll keep this one longer than 18 months!

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

it's been a while since i've been able to write about what's been happening in our lives lately. partly because i don't have a lot of time, mostly because it's been a lot of heartache and searching for silver linings.

this wondrous white stuff we received this weekend has afforded me some time to get some thoughts out of my head and into writing - i'll be posting them soon.

in the meantime, here are some pics of our winter wonderland!

thanksgrieving

today i am finding much gratefullness within myself. for my family, my friends, my home, my job, having food, being able to afford to give the children a nice christmas. there are so many things to be grateful for.

and yet i am almost paralized with grief. i can't seem to get past missing her this year. i can't seem to stop being angry with god for taking her too soon. i can't help but cry. a lot.

but i am grateful that my grief has yet to be caught by my little ones. that they just know mommy is thankful for them today. they don't know that for many years thanksgiving was our christmas #1. we'd decorate the house for the holidays, tree and all. then we'd stuff our selves silly today and tomorrow we'd have christmas. and she'd be there. and it would all be for them.

i am grateful for all the memories i have from those days. she always made things so special. just by being present. today, i am grateful to be present in the life of my children, my beloved, my parents. and i am thankfilled with my memories.

merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again. until that day i will be present for you my sister, my soul, my angel, my friend.

still here somewhere

long time, no blog. school started and things have been crazy busy over the last two months. there are so many things that have happened - some good, some not so good. but we are plugging along, making the most out of it all. hopefully i will get more then 3 minutes to myself sometime soon and will start to share the details.

losing jasmine was one of the saddest moments of the past few months. she was a good doggie!

Jasmine April 1993 - September 5, 2009