post in motion

contractual touch

wrapped in arms
of a security blanket
i can not hold
breath whispering
ill protect
a promise you can not keep
the heat of your words
on my neck
make my body ache
for more
than this
contract of friendship
written with invisible ink
the words show through
then disappear
leaving a trail of confusion
thick
with disillusion
and hope
that the one day
will be

morning after

remember this feeling, its still fresh
watching you sleep peacefully
in this bed we sometimes call ours
remember how it felt in the morning
after laying all night in your arms
the smell of love still lingering in the air
waking silently as not to disturb you
secretly longing for your sleepy eyes to open
watching your body rise with each intake of breath
holding you tight to feel the beating of your heart
as you wakes in my arms and wipe the dreams from your face
you kiss my forehead and says good morning with your smile
i know that we are blessed to share such moments

looking back to see ahead

i 've been doing a lot of time traveling lately. no, i'm not insane. just reminancing. perhaps it was the sudden urge to read the entire twilight series in the course of 3 weeks - brought back angsty feelings of being a teen/early 20 something, my love of all things goth, and my (not so secret) obsession with vampires. it also took me back to think of a person i thought i had long forgoten - she was fearless, standing up for what she believed, what she felt was right. she had a sense of style she felt secure in and didn't care what you thought about it. she loved deeply and freely. she was mystical and powerful. she was not scared to say who she was, how she was, or what she was. she was pretty freaking cool, maybe a bit high maitence, but cool.

she was me. and i would like to know where she has gone.

i've been replaying moments, relationships, conversations, reading old writings. trying to find some of those missing pieces of myself and reclaim them. it's not been easy when my mind has been so one-tracked lately. my constant state of prayer for my family has held me blind. but i've come to realize if i there is one gift i can give my children it should be me. the real me. the tattooed punk/gothy rockstar hippy political activist lover magickal ethical dreamy honest me. this is my will, so mote it be!

Herstory (1998)
so i shaved my head
not my legs
bought a pair of kakis
tucked in my shirt
do i stand before you a liberated woman
or a cookie cutter image of those who came before me
the fearless who fought my life before it began
am i honoring them
or abusing their precious power
taking in vain the beauty they fought so hard to hold
am i myself in the shell of lesbian chic
or a joke
with a punch line only the sisters of my herstory would understand
if i wear a skirt will their love fade
if the colour of my lips is applied by hand
will i be accepted
if my identity does not fit into a box do i press in my side and conform to what
is expected
accepted
except that i cant
i choose to shave my head and wear my tie with that cute new black skirt and put lipstick on my ass if thats what makes me happy
makes me
me
see my path has its first layer of gravel
laid years before my place at the table on earth was set
by those who fought with their lives
to assure that my world would be safer
that i could be
butch
femme
some-where-in-between
that i could be
me
and clothe this package of myself in a paper of any design I choose
and walk down these streets paved with herstory
paving them with pride

soul in peaces (for my sister)

how can words explain this?
i cant touch the part of me that misses you; i fear it will overtake me.
my memories are fading.
i barely remember your voice though you speak to me daily.
i barely remember the color of your eyes though i feel them watching me.
i barely remember the feel of your skin though i feel your spirit embracing me.
i wish you knew me.
not just the kid the existed before you left
but this adult that i have become.
i want to share my secrets with you,
and feel your trust.
i want my friends and lover to know you,
to feel your love.
i want to share my joys with you,
and hear your laughter.
i want to tell you my fears
and hear your reassurances again.
i want to cry because of the joy i feel from you,
not because you are no longer by my side.
i fear you never knew what you meant to me;
you were my center, my friend
my sister.
you are loved
but you are gone.
someplace without pain.
where you are forever beautiful
and i am left here amongst the ruins
to find shreds of joy wherever i can
with a torn soul that only time will mend.
and i wait for the planes in my sleep, where you join me.
where i can feel the peace of you.
and i feel sure, you know the me i never will
and i see again the you i will never forget.

danger will roberts, warning, danger...

dear self,

please remember to be very careful about what you wish for. you just might get it. and remember, it may not be in the way you thought it would be. and that, well, that might just suck.

also, you can't change the world, situations, or a person's perspective. the only one you can change is yourself. so for once, shut up and get over it. no matter the cost.

love,
me

reminder to self: breathe

it's amazing how 36 hours 3 minutes can change your entire world.

i have to keep reminding myself to breathe. i find my jaw clenched and lungs full often throughout the day.

this road is far rockier then i had ever imagined.

breathe.

i have come to realize that promises can be broken by others then the one who made them.

my patience and tolerance levels are growing very thin.

i can't believe that any sane person would sign up for this. so what does that say about us?

breathe.

i am struggling to find god in this. i can't imagine the greater plan would involve this much pain.

i have so many unanswered questions. and no one has been able yet to ask the right ones.

i can't imagine this can go on. please. make this stop.

breathe.

back in the *online* saddle again....

so my computer caught a very nasty virus. 12 days ago aka the night before the first (of three) snowstorms we had here in VA.

that. really. sucked.

but i am back up and running - on a very nice, new, shiny computer that i heart. a lot. i am trying not to blame my computer problems on my dear friend erin however mine did seem to start the day after hers died ;)

things have been crazy. due to the excessive amounts of snow/ice we lost power for a week. so me, laurie, the two kids, and seven dogs went to stay with my mom and dad. we are so blessed to have them. i will say we did extremely well considering the tight (and tidy which was very hard to keep that way with the ALL the extra grand*kids*&*dogs around) living quarters, my dad's dementia, my horrible mood swings and re bout of diverticulitis, and my kids "special" needs.

we are home now. warm, well lit, and back online.

next post will be about the uber roller coaster we are on kid-wise. i can't believe i am still breathing. that which does not kill us can only make us stronger!?

looking on the brightside...

we are about to be snowed in. again. and by snowed in i mean 2 feet of snow on our doorstep. which VA just doesn't know quite how to handle. i am hoping to be able to leave the house again by tuesday! until then there will be lots of hot chocolate, family games, movies, and snacks in our future. did i mention they get to be snowed in here with us instead of taking their usual weekend trip? that makes it all bearable!!!