thanksgrieving

today i am finding much gratefullness within myself. for my family, my friends, my home, my job, having food, being able to afford to give the children a nice christmas. there are so many things to be grateful for.

and yet i am almost paralized with grief. i can't seem to get past missing her this year. i can't seem to stop being angry with god for taking her too soon. i can't help but cry. a lot.

but i am grateful that my grief has yet to be caught by my little ones. that they just know mommy is thankful for them today. they don't know that for many years thanksgiving was our christmas #1. we'd decorate the house for the holidays, tree and all. then we'd stuff our selves silly today and tomorrow we'd have christmas. and she'd be there. and it would all be for them.

i am grateful for all the memories i have from those days. she always made things so special. just by being present. today, i am grateful to be present in the life of my children, my beloved, my parents. and i am thankfilled with my memories.

merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again. until that day i will be present for you my sister, my soul, my angel, my friend.

still here somewhere

long time, no blog. school started and things have been crazy busy over the last two months. there are so many things that have happened - some good, some not so good. but we are plugging along, making the most out of it all. hopefully i will get more then 3 minutes to myself sometime soon and will start to share the details.

losing jasmine was one of the saddest moments of the past few months. she was a good doggie!

Jasmine April 1993 - September 5, 2009

the highlight of our summer vacation.....

we swam with the rays......sting rays......at the aquarium....with lots of people watching...

IT WAS AMAZING!

they were so soft and graceful.

and really good kissers ;-)

i hadn't seen my love light up her face with her beautiful smile like that in a long time!

preparing to snorkle. what dorks!

but it sure was worth it!!!!!!!!

numbers

2 - the # of days till we leave for the beach

11 - the # of days laurie and i will be off work

8 - the # of days we will be at the beach

13 - the # of days till school starts

1 - the # of times the children will have returned to the same school as last year - only with us

429 - the # of days the children have been in our home

42 - the # of hours the children have seen their mom over the last year

13 - the # of psychological disorders the children have been diagnosed with

11 - the # of days till we find out the judge's plan

infinite - the # of prayers needed ensuring the children are placed in the safest, stablest place

today i am grateful because.......

1) i didn't actually lose my car key in walmart like i thought. it just fell into one of our shopping bags as i took my keys out of my bag while we walked to the car- of course we didn't realize it until AFTER we searched the store for a single missing key for 30 minutes. none the less it was a miracle!

2) i got to watch my two gorgeous children graduate from (their third!!!) summmer camp this afternoon. they were so proud not only of themselves, but to have someone there watching them with pride.

3) our trip to the beach is getting closer and closer. and we can not wait.

4) we have a home full of love, laughter, food, support, wisdom, learning, and puppy-love.

5) i re-realized today that to get (and keep) the positive energy flowing more freely, i must focus on the positive things in my life. stop dwelling aka worrying about the negatives.

6) august 20th marks my 9th anniversary with my wonderful soul mate. the yin to my yang. the light to my dark. the stabilty to my dreamer's mind. the one who completes me and makes me want to be a better me.

i am so blessed.

what saturday brings....

a visit.

in her new apartment.

to be continued......

court has been potsponed. and so has the official reunification of the sibling unit. i feel like all we do is wait. patience is a virtue, right?