back to the living.....

so i have decided to return to school. i am both nervous and excited. and i am extremely worried about my writing skills. not so much for a blog, facebook post, or all the other techno ways we now communicate - i am however worried that these things have had a very negative impact on the way i communicate in written form. it used to be my strongest form of communication. the need to write more and to write better has brought me back here. it's nice to think people may read this but for now i will be posting for me. lot's of things have happened since my last post:

• my dad passed away five days after my mom



• i have legally adopted all 3 of my beautiful children



• we are a (mostly) happy family of 5 learning to navigate this world with 2 moms and 2 differnt skin tones. it is not as easy as it should be



• my mother-in-law finally accepts me



• i started homeschooling my son



• more medical diagnosis' for the children have been given



• and somehow we also found time for 2 vacations

it's been one hell of a year, i have been wrting the whole time. soon they will be presented nicely in a neat-blog-package, maybe even with a bow.

hope this year has had more ups than downs for you.

today...

was my mother's last day. my whole world has changed. i have lost my best friend. i did not know the human heart could break so much, but beat on.

my dear john letter to the unhealthiest love of my life

dear carbs,

look. we have had an amazing ride together. you are awesome to hang out with, you've always been there when i needed you, and let's face it - you taste really yummy. but it's just not working for me anymore. i need to break up. and no, it's not so i can go be with dairy. i never hide my affairs with dairy so i won't start now.

thank you for 33 great years but it's time for me to move on. i have high hopes for year number 34, and while it hurts me, i just don't think you are going to be a part of it.

love always,
me

2 + 2 + 2 = forever

long time, no post. why? let's just say there have been some major growing pains. and by growing i mean doubling - overnight. we have gone from 2 to four young ones and we are stumbling around transition land, trying to find our footing. most minutes are wonderful! some are completely overwhelming. but i wouldn't change one of them, not one of them, for anything in this world.

mommy - a word i longed to hear for so long. i know hear in four different voices all the time. and i love it.

Permanent

per·ma·nent   (pur-muh-nuhnt)

–adjective

1. existing perpetually; everlasting, esp. without significant change.
2. intended to exist or function for a long, indefinite period without regard to unforeseeable conditions: a permanent employee; the permanent headquarters of the United Nations.
3. long-lasting or nonfading: permanent pleating; permanent ink.**

today is the 14th anniversary of my sister's passing. 14 years ago i lost a piece of me. i became less of me in a way i will never be able to fix, cover up, or separate from. 14 years ago i lived through what would be one of the most significant days of my life. she did not. and everyday since i have a tried, desperately, to fill the permanent void left by her absence.

today i recognize the folks in my life who may or may not know exactly how much you helped shape who i am today. the moments i shared with you, before or after she left, have been the things that have given joy where it was lost, laughter when i couldn't hear it, and love when i needed it most. to you my friends, both new and old, family both by blood and by choice, i want to say thank you. thank you for sharing more of you when you knew there was less of me.

sometimes we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of our own lives, our own loss, our own joy, we can forget that in each moment we have a chance to affect the life of someone else. it's the simple things - like for me the quick hellos, phonecalls, letters, mixed tapes, late night hyperion runs and stops at denny's back then. now it's the quick emails, ecards, texts, funny faxes, and facebook comments that keep us connected. but these simple things can make a dark day a little more brighter for people in our lives. keep being that bright light for those in your life. let others be that light for you.


** **

just not good enough

vacation was awesome! it rocked all of our socks and was as the kids called it "the best vacation EVER". that part of august was awesome.

the part were i learned i wasn't good enough to be chosen to stay in my position sucked. the part where i learned i wasn't chosen for a scholarship sucked too.

now i feel like we are just waiting to hear we aren't good enough for her for the third and final strike out.

i am trying to remain positive. right now the only thing i am really positive about is how freaking hard it is to be positive!! and yes, i would like to have some cheese with my w"h"ine. pity party table for one, right this way......(humor, it's what gets me through...and alcohol. oh the voodoo juice, but that's for another post).

IMpatience

i can not wait for the day when i can show you what my life looks like. now i can only show snipets, little pieces that show no one under the age of 10. i do not have permission to show you their sweet faces as they are not truly mine. on paper that is. in hearts and homes they are, securely and steadfast.

i can not wait to know where this new employment journey will take me. i was not selected for one of the 5 variance slots alloted by VA medicaid to continue in my current position. i am now in limbo. i can go back for about 2 months, get the program started and then hand over the reins. i don't think my pride will allow me to do that though. in the meantime i wait to find out to see if they find out IF i am still qualified for anything.

i can not wait to find out if i am going back to school. and if not through this scholarship, then through some other means.

i can not wait to know if our family is growing. it felt so for sure. it doesn't feel that way now.

i can not wait for vacation. where i can hopefully stop thinking about the waiting. where instead i can just BE.
Happy Birthday Baby! & Happy 10th Anniversary too!