so much is a'foot in my life i don't even know where to start.
1) i have applied for a wondrous scholarship which would afford me the opportunity to go back to school and procure that ever elusive (at least to me) piece o' paper they call a degree. it's a scholarship specifically for foster parents who would use their degree to better their community. i think that fits me, don't you?
2) the work front is a-ok'ish and i am due back to my school on august 7. i have to apply for a variance to grandfatherd as a QMHP but i am feeling pretty dang gone good about my chances! go me!
3) the lies, attitude, and sneakiness has plateaued for now. peaceful, easy feelings abound in my house.
4) i have paint (still in cans) for several rooms in my house, some work has been done - got some more to go - and our GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL new bed has been delivered from Arhaus - if you haven't been, go! now ~ www.arhaus.com ~ i love them so!!!!
5) 5. i like that number. 5. it's a good one. 5, it's feels just right. yes, 5. of us. i hope.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
the five things overwhelming me at the moment
1) septemeber can not come soon enough. i need to know yes or no what the future holds. we all do. i am thankful for every day. i just wish some days went faster.
2) there is another out there that needs us. i feel it in every fiber, bone, cell, and heartstring in my body. we just need one more room. just. like it's just that easy to add on and remodel a house. but that is just all that we need to make it happen. perhaps i need to start playing the lottery. or enlisting lots of friends to help. i think an "amish barnraising" type of a thing would work. any volunteers??
3) regualtions have changed in the state. i no longer qualify for my job unless i am one of five "grandfathered" in - 5 out of 116. i am desperate to know what my job will be come sept 6. i may or may not find out on july 29. prays desperately need and greatfully accepted.
4) the above three have me so stressed i can barely speak. at least speak kindly. especially to my better half. i hope she knows that it's the stress and not me; soon, soon things will calm. we hope.
5)i have been working around the clock with high/special needs kids since 6/4/2010 at 11:30 am. as in 24/7. I. NEED. A. BREAK.
after(THEBLOG)thought: found this on my friend's facebook and it spoke to me. loudly.
"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller (amen sister, amen)
2) there is another out there that needs us. i feel it in every fiber, bone, cell, and heartstring in my body. we just need one more room. just. like it's just that easy to add on and remodel a house. but that is just all that we need to make it happen. perhaps i need to start playing the lottery. or enlisting lots of friends to help. i think an "amish barnraising" type of a thing would work. any volunteers??
3) regualtions have changed in the state. i no longer qualify for my job unless i am one of five "grandfathered" in - 5 out of 116. i am desperate to know what my job will be come sept 6. i may or may not find out on july 29. prays desperately need and greatfully accepted.
4) the above three have me so stressed i can barely speak. at least speak kindly. especially to my better half. i hope she knows that it's the stress and not me; soon, soon things will calm. we hope.
5)i have been working around the clock with high/special needs kids since 6/4/2010 at 11:30 am. as in 24/7. I. NEED. A. BREAK.
after(THEBLOG)thought: found this on my friend's facebook and it spoke to me. loudly.
"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller (amen sister, amen)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
walk a mile in my shoes
dear women at the cell phone store,
you have no idea what we go through a daily basis. you have no right to judge me. yes, i still make my son hold my hand in public sometimes. no, i'm not "keeping him like he is in jail" and no "he's not to old for that" like you so kindly commented out loud yesterday. and go ahead and "look at her, just look at her" next time you see me because i will probably be doing the same thing.
if you want to know the truth, he is in jail. autism keeps him locked away in a cell. keeping a line drawn thick between what you and me and society expects and calls "normal". i am his mother. when i hold his hand, despite his age, i am keeping him safe. yesterday i was stopping him from crawling on and licking the floor and licking your desperately needed iPhone accessories. so, ma'am, until you have lived a day in my life fuck you. and fuck your friend too. and next time keep your comments to youself.
love and light,
Me
you have no idea what we go through a daily basis. you have no right to judge me. yes, i still make my son hold my hand in public sometimes. no, i'm not "keeping him like he is in jail" and no "he's not to old for that" like you so kindly commented out loud yesterday. and go ahead and "look at her, just look at her" next time you see me because i will probably be doing the same thing.
if you want to know the truth, he is in jail. autism keeps him locked away in a cell. keeping a line drawn thick between what you and me and society expects and calls "normal". i am his mother. when i hold his hand, despite his age, i am keeping him safe. yesterday i was stopping him from crawling on and licking the floor and licking your desperately needed iPhone accessories. so, ma'am, until you have lived a day in my life fuck you. and fuck your friend too. and next time keep your comments to youself.
love and light,
Me
Saturday, July 17, 2010
learn from my mistake
a long pixie haircut can also be described as a "dorothy hamill" or in 2010 lingo a "justin bieber".
BABY! BABY! BABY! OH!!!!!!
BABY! BABY! BABY! OH!!!!!!
Monday, July 5, 2010
forgetting to remember. unedited, flow of thought
end of march 2007. quick phone call to laurie to say hi and check in. quickly mention, again, becoming a respite/overnight care taker in our home for clients. her quick reply "been thinking about that. it would help me get ready, you know, to have kids. been thinking i am ready to try". that was it. i could no longer speak and ended the call with an "i love ya".
could not bring myself to metion it. could not stop thinking about it. for weeks.
end of april 2007. red lobster, table by the window. i had finally found my nerve. i began to talk but was interupted by a brochure. she's found a perfect little place in virginia beach to wisk us away to for a few nights. i say sure and she calls to book it. i wait. impatiently. when she's off the phone i take a breath and just say "so there's something i want to talk to you about" to which she replies "well it's taken you long enough. i can't believe how long you've waited". we both laughed. and then we talked, about starting a family. we decided adoption would be best for us and we'd start through foster care.
then we went on vacation. and talked about it non stop. and i dreamed of sharing moments like that with our children. i took pictures of everything and spoke of what i would tell them when i shared these photos with them - how in this one you had just said "but i won't share MY food", how i had just whispered "i love you. thank you." in your ear and that's why you are smiling like that. how you are so much braver than me and that shows in this picture.
june 2010. i got to share the sights and sounds and memories of that time with our family. there, on the beach. all four of us.
i rememered how at this point, we've come full circle. only a few steps left till it's forever. and i remembered a whole lot more.
i joked that since my dream of a perfect love came true, then my dream to be a counselor came true, and then my dream of children came true there's only one thing left for me to do. then i remembered i can do anything. we all can. let's see how far i take this next adventure!
could not bring myself to metion it. could not stop thinking about it. for weeks.
end of april 2007. red lobster, table by the window. i had finally found my nerve. i began to talk but was interupted by a brochure. she's found a perfect little place in virginia beach to wisk us away to for a few nights. i say sure and she calls to book it. i wait. impatiently. when she's off the phone i take a breath and just say "so there's something i want to talk to you about" to which she replies "well it's taken you long enough. i can't believe how long you've waited". we both laughed. and then we talked, about starting a family. we decided adoption would be best for us and we'd start through foster care.
then we went on vacation. and talked about it non stop. and i dreamed of sharing moments like that with our children. i took pictures of everything and spoke of what i would tell them when i shared these photos with them - how in this one you had just said "but i won't share MY food", how i had just whispered "i love you. thank you." in your ear and that's why you are smiling like that. how you are so much braver than me and that shows in this picture.
june 2010. i got to share the sights and sounds and memories of that time with our family. there, on the beach. all four of us.
i rememered how at this point, we've come full circle. only a few steps left till it's forever. and i remembered a whole lot more.
i joked that since my dream of a perfect love came true, then my dream to be a counselor came true, and then my dream of children came true there's only one thing left for me to do. then i remembered i can do anything. we all can. let's see how far i take this next adventure!
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