what becomes of the broken hearted?

i am feeling really nervous. perhaps it's the snow. probably it's the two and half days of not hearing their voices or knowing what's going on. i can honestly say i don't know how we do this. i don't how we can ever do this again. it's so frustrating loving someone unconditionally under such horribly conditional circumstances. i am living in a constant state of heartbreak for which the only remedy is their laughter. i wonder, how does one go from mom to not?

s'NO'w

snow
snow
go away
come back another day.

please no snow. please no snow. please please please no snow!

thank you!

from the mouth of a butterfly

today was we celebrated their sibling's 6th birthday. it was a fun day of gymnastics and ice cream. while eating butterfly -that's what i call their newly six year old little sister - looks at me and says "did you adopt (ladybug) and (bumblebee)?" i looked and her and said "no" then promptly kicked her foster mom under the table and we exchange the appropriate "oh crap" looks. ladybug then says "well has she adopted you yet?" to which butterfly says "no". and then we simply moved on.

just the fact that the newly-six-year-old can verbalize that question speaks volumes about what her heart wants. i have volumes of documents to support what the right decision should be. i hope the volume is turned up on truth tomorrow so that it can be heard by all.

the truth will prevail......because it just has too!

my year of growth through change

i have decided to try and focus on the silver lining that must be following this storm cloud. i will trust that it will come, as they always do, in a time and space that is least expected.

i have decided that god has dreamt a bigger dream for all of us then i could ever imagine (thanks Oprah) and that i must trust that god knows what he is doing and all will be well.

i have decided that the serenity prayer must be my new mantra. that i must accept that which i can not change, change what i can and pray, pray, pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

i have decided to not lie to them. to be as honest as possible and not sugar coat, gloss over, or pretend about one damn thing. though it might kill me to not be able to say to them ever again that you will always be safe, feed, and sheltered i just can't say things like that in truth any longer. i do not know that it is true.

i have decided that we will all grow, some way, some how through all this change and transition. i pray that it will make us all stronger.

i have decided to create a to-do list, or a to-distract list, to keep myself busy through this time.

1) finish my foster parent classes and sign-up for more
2) FINISH my bachelors/masters combined program
3) use above degree to help others learn to heal themselves
4) listen to my body and give her what she needs to stay strong
5) stop listening to my cravings/soul soothings to help me keep up with #4
6) think before i spend money and try to spend wisely
7) be mindfully grateful by actually completing the journal i bought for this year (instead of ignoring it just like all the journals i bought each year before)
8) keep in touch. with friends. with family. keep connected to those who connect me to love and light.
9) finally get started on the remodeling/fixing up'ing of this house
10) move more. do more. be more.

i have decided that my list may seem big, lofty, dreamy but it's mine and only i can reach/ignore my potential. i can potentially do all that is on my list - almost all of them daily. i hope #8 will help keep me in check. feel free to ask about my progress, i can always use the support.

i have decided that this year of growth through change may be the hardest year i ever live. we ever live. but each day gives us the opportunity to find our truth, to love, to be loved. i just hope that's enough to see us through.

home

where? they are going "home".

when? soon, possibly before school lets out for the summer.

why? because apparently you don't need a job and welfare is sufficient for income.

how? because, "love" is enough. food, clothes, shelter, structure, schooling, reached potential are just luxuries.

now? we wait. we break. we weep. we hide the pain from them. we transition. we move on.

or at least we try.

and four will probably become two

my heart is broken and world weary and unsure how to go on.

my mind says f*** it all and is quickly trying to compartmentalize this situation.

my soul says find sperm quickly, create life, and move on.

when the three align, i think that's just what we will do.