2008 - our year of the child

make that children. this year has brought so many joys, new journeys, hugs, heartache, and head aches. i don't even know where to begin on re-capping it. nor do i know where to begin on resolutions.

perhaps: move more, eat less, meditate more, get frustrated less, learn more patience, lose patience less, BE HERE NOW and GRATEFUL. that sounds like a good start.

tonight i will watch the ball drop on TV with my wife, our kids, and our dogs from the comforts of our couch. in our home. which this year, exploded with love and laughter.

i can't wait to see wait next year will bring!

and now it's all over....

so christmas was, well, pretty excellent! i think the mommies went slightly overboard in the toy department and the kids got way too much. but isn't that what it's all about! they've been happily playing with their goodies - so much so they haven't even metioned the loot we have not unloaded from the car from grandma!!


i got some wonderful surprises too. besides all the bath and body goodies i got DIAMONDS!! black and white ones and they are beautiful! i also got my FAVORITE movie from my childhood:

we all curled up last night and watched it together. i have always dreamed of sharing my favorite things with my children, words can't even begin to describe how good it feels to actually be doing it!

fun. fun. fun. we have a sleep over planned with their little sister. she'll be staying the night with us sometime this week. and we'll do another little christmas party with their sibling's foster family that day too. little man's and ladybug's school took them on a shoppping trip so they could purchase gifts for their families. they were so cute about it and did an EXCELLENT job!

but right now we are smack dab back in our reality: we woke up to a puking little boy - not the flu, just his behavior. he got in a little trouble last night before bed so he woke up puking a few hours later. sometimes i wonder if his timeouts are worth it considering i always get more punished in the end!!! but the puking episodes are fewer and farther between now. i think he is getting the hang of life - sometimes good, sometimes bad - nothing worth puking over!!

now i'm off to start my day! goddess let it be a good one!

holly jolly hyperactivity

oh. my. god. the kids in my school were C R A Z Y this week. and last! our two week break started yesterday and i am hap happ happy!!! i think my holiday spark hit me last night and i have so many things to do! and i am EXCITED ABOUT THEM!

today though brings a mommy visit, then a shopping trip to charlottesville! woo-hoo! now that will be fun.

trying to find that holiday cheer

it's been so hard to get in the spirit this year. i thought it would be easier, esp with the kids. but i think i'm too afraid. too afraid this may be our first, and last, holiday as a family. too afraid that it won't be enough. just too, too afraid.

i have so many surprises and i'm so afraid they'll be blown by the visit on saturday.

my family has so many secrets that seemed to find their way to light. last week.

i am struggling to not hate my job. myself.

it gets dark too late and does not get light early enough.

i'm sick. again.

our charlie brown tree keeps falling.

but we have a home to live in. food on the table, in bellies, and in the fridge/freezer/pantry. we have money in the bank account. a closet full of holiday gifts. i have a wonderful wife. we have two fabulous children. that should be enough. that should be it all.

i still feel something is missing. perhaps it's her, my sister. whose absence always looms this time of year. perhaps its me. i still haven't found my way back to myself.

i know for sure one thing that's missing, my holiday spark. and i only have 8 days to find it. some how.

things this month

have been crazy.

between getting ready for the holiday, eating lots of thanksgiving goodies, and having my whole house sick - it's been c r a z y.

little man had a cold that lasted for ever. laurie had food poisoning. then little man is just now getting over the stomach flu. i swear sometimes i think we live in an infirmary!! god bless lysol!

i just finished my holiday time soap/salve/salt making for gifts for friends and relatives. considering all my $$ has gone to the kids this year, laurie may have to settle for a homemade gift as well! this will be the first year it's not all about us - my hope is that the kids going ape-shit over their loot will be enough!! i can't wait to see little man's face when he sees santa not only got him the ever so popular bakugan gameset with 6 balls but he also is getting his precious robo-raptor. and little miss will have enough hannah montanna that she could quite possible open up her own libbey lu!! oh, laurie did get the DS she's always wanted.

best of all though is my present: christmas with my wife, son, and daughter. that's all i've ever wanted. it's all i really need.

turkey with bbq sauce

what a day. what a wonderful, family filled day.

it was supposed to also be a mommy phone day. she failed miserably. thank god the kids didn't what she was supposed to do. just as they didn't know about all the things she was supposed to do when they lived with her. you know, like feed, clothe, and bathe them.

instead they got to happily spend time with their "uncles", "cousins", "aunts", "grandparents", and "moms". feasting on food, love, and laughter.

it was a wonderful day. for this, i am thank full!

i hate autism

i hate watching him being robbed of friendships. sarcasim. empathy.

i hate watching him not be able to understand the concept of hygiene.

feel. emotion. feel. texture.

there are no pictures to teach caring. sharing. nurture.

we have 100's to teach hygiene.

it's working. s.l.o.w.l.y.

i hate the waiting.

for comprehension of a sentence. a request.

i hate waiting.

for an intervention to work.

as much as i hate this, as much as my heart breaks - i love this boy.

my son.

hopefully.

and tomorrow it begins again....

it's kinda weird to be so nervous about a monday. i'm not usually like that. it's just another (usually long) day of the week. after everything that's been going on with my health - which is still a little wonky. i'm wondering if i ever will feel better. or walk straight. again.

a good tomorrow will include:

* no puking (from my son, self, or anyone else near me)
* my children to get up, get dressed - fuss free
* breathing freely without my neb
* BP stays stable
* no meltdowns from my group memebers @ school
* no meltdowns from me @ school
* the ability to control, or at least limit, my unstoppable eating while on steroids
* a nap at 3:45 pm
* my wife's arms around me when she gets home

this is my will. so mote it be!!

back to life

so being in the hospital for 4.5 days sucks. being away from your wife double sucks. and being away from your kids, well that's enough to kill you!!!!

still not sure what happened, or what took me down so hard. but i fell. fast. hard. and took a very long to come back. ended up on several IV blood pressure medicines, steroids, and insulins. fun fun fun.

but it's all over now. well at least "overish". still have lots of pills and breathing treatments, but at least the i'm home and IV free!!!

i think i need a nap.

another blast from the past

a year ago we started the journey to parenthood. actually, more like a year and half, when laurie said she was ready and willing to do it. but last october we got our home ready. got new furniture, a bed, towels, tolietries, bedding, a ps2. everything we could to make his first night at home good. well that first night never happened. and it never will for him. i think of him often. i still wish he was ours. and i still cling to a small speck of hope that we'll get a call, and get him. he deserves so much more then what life has dealt him. sometimes i really hate people. and "the system".


Friday, October 26, 2007

not appropriate for community placement

so as some of you may know laurie and i have been diligently preparing to open our home to a child. first he was to arrive 2 months ago. date changed to three weeks ago. instead of coming home he was sent to a therapeutic work program and would be with us in 180 days.

now they've deemed him "unacceptable for placement within the community" and will be keeping him in residenital programs until he ages out of foster care.

funny what happens when you give a homeless kid with drug addicted parents to foster parents who takes kids as a means of making money and not to actually raise the kids. then you yank them from that set of parents and give them to "family" whose main source of income is drug dealing for which one of the parents is now serving 20 years in jail for drug/gun charges. i wonder why the kid might have a problem with right/wrong. legal/illegal. empathy/remorse. hmmmm.......

needless to say we're pretty pissed. and sad. for him. for us. and for the nuturing environment (he had never had) we were ready to offer he won't get. for the person he could have (and hopefully still might) become. we're pretty devistated that he, nor we, will even get a chance.
we're going to try and fight it but they've kinda given up on him so we are low on hope.

happy samhain! guess it's mostly tricks not treats this year...

so much changed since this post...today has me reliving the past a bit.

Friday, February 08, 2008

we’re not certifiable??

for the first time in a really long time i have been faced with homophobia. in my own home. we're one class and 2 home visits away from being certified foster parents. we've been doing this since september 2007. yesterday we had our first of the 2 home visists and learned because we aren't "just roommates" we may not actually be approved. i hate living in this state.

needless to say my heart is broken all over again. for too many reasons to even list. they are still going to try to certify us, so we can perhaps foster from other counties that allow glbt couples to do so. they just can't guarentee that our county will ever place a child with us. so really, what's the point of that?

we will keep plugging along, in hope some other locality will utilize us. and we will be licking our wounds and i'll be figuring out if perhaps this is the universe asking me to strap back on my activist boots and get out there and get vocal.

our retarded kitty.

we have a retarted cat. wait, i mean intelectually diabled kitty. the doctor refers to her as neuro-kitty. her name is reiki, cause i felt she needed lots of it to get through when we first got her, er, i mean when i first took her from a client. this is her at 6 weeks old:

yes. that is her at six weeks old. i saw her litter mates. i was there the day they were born. i know the timeline. although the 4 oz. alien i am holding surely doesn't look like she's six weeks old. or going to make it. but she did. she's a tropper. she was hand feed every 2-3 hours for about 4 days. they 5-6 times a day for 3 weeks after that. she had a hot water bottle 24/7 to keep her body temperature up. if i had to work, she went to "kitty-care". she slept in a box near the bed. she had to stay in quarantine from our other cat and the dogs for 5 weeks, not for their sake, but for hers as her immune system was so low. she had a heart murmur and given a short life expectancy. but she survived. here she is at 3 months old:

my daughter calls her miracle kitty. no, not because she survived. but because she can climb ANYTHING, fall, and get right back up and do it again. now i know, "uh, heather, that's what all kittens do". yeah, but not like reiki. she has no kitty grace. she wobbles when she walks, runs, stands, sits. she has no concept of no, fall, ouch, oops - i could kill myself. she's slightly crazy, oh, and retarded. but we love her. she's been so fun, and good for the kids. and good for this mom!

something funny. something not.

as laurie and i were waiting yesterday for my doctor to come in and give me my good old friends "steroids" to help me get through this sicknes funk i was reminded of the last time i had to head to the ER. i thought it was asthma, turns out it was pnemonia. they figured this out through x-raying my chest. here's where the funny part comes in (and why laurie was laughing so hard she was crying).

the ER was pretty full that day. they stuck me in the kids ward. not even in a bed, just a chair. in a room no bigger then a closet. and since i'm such a baby, i had not only laurie with me, but my mom too. so there were the three of us in this tiny closet. oh, i guess i should also mention we had to make room for my BIG OLE SICK ATTITUDE. yeah, that took up quite a bit of room. once they gave me some drugs to breathe and some to help me calm down (my BP was 201/110 - yeah, not good. but did i mention i couldn't breathe) it was just the me, mom, and laurie again. the doctor decided i needed that x-ray, and sent for a tech.

in comes nice man (and family friend, which makes this even more funny and unbearable) to wheel me down to the x-ray department. he came in to the room with this tensy, tiny wheelchair. for a kid. which would have been appropriate had a kid actually been in this kids room. but no, it was me. who happens to not be the fattest woman, but also not the skinnest. and DEFINATELY NOT CHILD SIZED!! but the "nice" man insisted i try. so what happened. yup, you may have guessed it. my fat ass rested nicely on the ARM RESTS. yeah, i'm sure that was a nice sight. probably looked like trying to fit this:

into this:

yeah, not fun. but quite funny! so the fat woman who couldn't fit into the child's wheelchair with pnemonia had to WALK all the way to the x-ray department AND BACK becuase they were so busy all the adult wheelchairs were in use. yeah. not a good day. for my lungs or my ego.

on to the not so funny bit. my son has autism. i've never really typed that out before. i've read it in the report we just got back. i knew from the day he came in to our lives. but to type it. read it. know it for sure. that's something else completely. it explains alot of his quirks, inability to make friends. follow directions. eat, touch, or look at things he is not familiar with. explains his totally and complete black/white thinking pattern.

autism is nothing new to me. i've been working with children and families living with it and affected by it for years. i just never thought it would be this close to home. luckily for us all i know what to do. but that doesn't make it any easier. doesn't make me mourn any less. doesn't make me fear even more the life he may go back to.

and it certainly doesn't make me love him any less.

he's a wonderful, bright (he's on the high functioning end of the scale with an extemely high IQ), artistic, unique kid. he (and his sister) have become our lives. we're going to do everything in our control to make sure however long he is with us is productive, engaging, and teaches him how to function in a world he sees so diferently then anyone else. a world in which he will have find his own place, in his own way, and in his own time. i just pray he can do it. i know he can.

and it all changes tomorrow.

we have our first mommy visit. tomorrow. and we're all a bit freaked. the kids are excited. the moms, apprehensive. i don't know what to expect. we weren't expecting this to happen. mom, we thought, was in jail for years. but since she was doing so well (in jail) they let her out with probation.

i know i wish her luck. it would be a great thing if she were able to get it together enough to get her kids back. for now though, i'm sad. i am a believer in reunification of the natural family. when possible. when safe. i just don't quite believe yet that's what we are facing.

i'm also a believer that we offer a wonderful, supportive, and structured home. one in which these children have thrived like never before. i know their quiality of life has improved 1000%. and i'm lost. do we continue on, like we have. with day trips, vacations. toys. new clothes. dinners outs. rewards. allowance. do we keep on keeping on knowing they very well may be living in a homeless shelter in 6 months. and would lose all that they have gained. is that fair to them. to lose their belongings for a third time in their short short lives?? 11 houses they have lived in. a new school for each school year. i can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

so knowing what we are risking, knowing i may set them up for failure. knowing they may look back at this time they with us as the only time in childhood when they knew peace and prosperity. it breaks my heart to know it may not always be this way for them. but will we keep it up until then?? i know we will. i know these kids deserve it. they deserve the world. my prayer is that they get to live with someone who will help guide them to their dreams. teach them about life. let them learn and grow into the wonderful humans, spirits, they are meant to be. raise them to be compasionate, passionate, productive, creative, wonderful. only time will tell who that gets to be...

it's over, and we won

and by we, i mean us all. not just a person, not just a party, but everyone. i can't wait to see what will happen come january. i really have no words to describe how happy i am right now. i can feel it. something WONDERFUL this way comes!!!!

please god let him win...

i am on pins and needles. and trying my best to sleep the day away. i can't take it. i feel like i have PTSD from the last two elections this country was forced to go through. not to mention i woke up to a wonderful support message from myself automatically posted on facebook giving mccain my support. WHAT!?!?!?! i soooooo did not choose mccain in their little "donate your status" thing, how and why that happened i do not know. and it literally made me sick to my stomach to see my name supporting his.

i am trying desperately to be positive. positive that obama will win. positive that warner will win (along with all the other democrats we need in the house/senate). positive that this country will get back on it's feet and finally be hope filled for change. positive that californians will vote NO on prop 8. positive.

i know today was very emotional for me as we were accompanied to the polls by the two cutest kids on the planet. both of whom were in awe of the voting process and couldn't seem to wait til they were 18. then i became emotional because i wonder if they go home, will an election season even matter in their house. when they don't even have food, why would they care who's president. will their mom and dad (both of whom have served time for felonies) even be able to vote. have they ever voted?

i don't think there's much sleep in the near future for me. that is one thing i am 100% positive of!

sick and tired and covered in puke

yeah. that pretty much sums up my day. i am the sick and tired one. my son and my house are the ones covered in puke. if he gets sad, he pukes. scared, he pukes. mad, he pukes. pukes, he pukes more. it's great. did i mention he's 8. yeah, so it's alot of puke. and it's purposeful. which makes it even worse. and even though i'm a counselor i have no freaking clue what to do about it or for him.

i. hate. to. puke.

i will go for years without puking. in fact, in the 8 years i've been with laurie i've only puked once. because of horrific food poisoning. i burst all the blood vessels in my left eye. it was horrible. so needless to say cleaning up puke, ALL THE TIME, is totally getting to me.

totally.

a fresh start

so everyone else is blogging, why can't i? really, that's no good reason to blog however i do have some things to say and think there may be people out there who want to hear them, and may even talk back. i have issues. with the political system. with weight. with the way people treat others. with the foster care system. with injustice, hatred, and bigotry. with ingnorance. with myself.

i should say that i've lost myself in pieces over the last decade or so. i've learned much, and grown even more. but there are still pieces. floating about, with others. i'm hoping somehow writing when bring them back to me; will make me whole. more real. more me.

perhaps i have started this becuase i am so fearful about tomorrow. i don't know what i am more scared of; that mccain might win or that there will be hundreds of thousands of lazy ass americans who don't get off their asses and VOTE!! (that may sound judgemental and hate-filled, but damn it, just VOTE!) i can still vividily remember the day i registered to vote. i was so proud, so hopeful that my voice could make change happen. i may not have always gotten my way, but at least i tried.

and speaking of being fearful, my two beautiful foster children will start mommy visits on friday. and may go home in february. back to a life where they were the parents raising the 3 other young ones, and their mom. back to life without food, showers, and healthcare. back to a life where hitting happened daily. back to a life unlike the life they've grown very accustomed too, here, with us. and then we'll go back to our life, without children. and i'll have lost yet another piece of me.