and it all changes tomorrow.

we have our first mommy visit. tomorrow. and we're all a bit freaked. the kids are excited. the moms, apprehensive. i don't know what to expect. we weren't expecting this to happen. mom, we thought, was in jail for years. but since she was doing so well (in jail) they let her out with probation.

i know i wish her luck. it would be a great thing if she were able to get it together enough to get her kids back. for now though, i'm sad. i am a believer in reunification of the natural family. when possible. when safe. i just don't quite believe yet that's what we are facing.

i'm also a believer that we offer a wonderful, supportive, and structured home. one in which these children have thrived like never before. i know their quiality of life has improved 1000%. and i'm lost. do we continue on, like we have. with day trips, vacations. toys. new clothes. dinners outs. rewards. allowance. do we keep on keeping on knowing they very well may be living in a homeless shelter in 6 months. and would lose all that they have gained. is that fair to them. to lose their belongings for a third time in their short short lives?? 11 houses they have lived in. a new school for each school year. i can't even begin to imagine what that feels like.

so knowing what we are risking, knowing i may set them up for failure. knowing they may look back at this time they with us as the only time in childhood when they knew peace and prosperity. it breaks my heart to know it may not always be this way for them. but will we keep it up until then?? i know we will. i know these kids deserve it. they deserve the world. my prayer is that they get to live with someone who will help guide them to their dreams. teach them about life. let them learn and grow into the wonderful humans, spirits, they are meant to be. raise them to be compasionate, passionate, productive, creative, wonderful. only time will tell who that gets to be...