32 flavors and then some.....

i turn 32 on thursday. it sounds so weird to say that. in many ways i still feel like i'm so young. my body feels otherwise. it keeps trying to revolt against me and it's quite annoying.

when i reflect on where i am at this impending new age i am pretty happy, at least in the big picture sense. i am blessed with a great wife, a great family, a great job, a great house, great pets, great friends, and have been blessed with the opportunity to share all of this with two of the greatest children on earth. it's when you look at the fine print (wait, let me get my glasses. funny how quickly age catches up with you) that things get blurred.

on the wife and family front things are pretty good. my parents health has me in a constant state of worry but they both keep marching on. laurie is such a tropper, being thrust into parenthood, stil apprehensive about whether it's what she truly wants. but what i know and see and hear from her own lips is that she is totally in love with these children. and that is enough. however these great kids aren't truly ours and i feel sometimes like i'm just counting down the days till they go "home".

i was told this weekend that they shouldn't ever have called me mama, that i didn't carry them for 9 months, that it hurts her feelings when they say it and that they should know better. miss heather is all that's acceptable. did i mention it was their mom that said this to me. loudly, pointing fingers, in the middle of the mall. in FRONT of her kids. who were frozen with fear and confusion. the children refuse to comply to this wish of hers. they say it's too hard for them and that they want to call me mama. really, when it comes down to it, it does not matter what they call me. mama, mom, mommy, miss heather, hey you - the meaning behind the words will still be "caretaker, guardian, protecter, teacher, nurturer, love". whatever they call me will just be a substitue for the word mom. so, as it has always been, it's up to them what they call me. they choose mama.

Squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am thirty-two flavors and then some

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision

So you might want to turn your head

Cuz someday you're going to get hungry

And eat most of the words you just said.

- ani difranco

today, this favorite song of mine, my anthem of sorts for the past decade, has a brand new meaning.