i get to start my year the way i finished 2008. sick. and on steroids. for the 4th time in like 3 months. this sucks. sucks. sucks. sucks. i have totally taken breathing for granted over the years. and i know i want to be more present in each moment, but really, i don't think i need to struggle for each breath to remember how happy i am to be alive.
my poor kids just sit and stare at me when i get to coughing, amazed at the funny sounds mommy can make. here's where little man's autism comes in handy - he's not worried about me in the least and in fact is rather annoyed at the coughing - just more loud noises he hates to hear. it's little lady i worry most about because she knows mommy doesn't feel well and wants to go right back into her 'i need to take care of my mommy" role she knew so well with her bio mom. i have to keep reassuring her i will be ok and thank her for her help and remind her "you go be a kid!".
last night i really thought i was on my way back to hospital. and i was scarred. i refuse to have my year go this way. holistically speaking my lungs are just trying to get me to say all the things i know i need to say. they want to shed the weight of silence they have carried for so long. my throat chakra is just burning to be relieved of the burdens i have bestowed on her. i hate that i know all this, but ignore it. i need to embrace it. use it. be it.
don't dream it, be it! that's what frank-n-furter said. i think that might be my mantra this year!
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